Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Saturday, 5 May 2018

image for Trump Confesses: “Stormy....Best Sex I Never Had.”
Crash Bandicoot

BILLINGSGATE POST: In 1990, the New York Post’s famous headline blared that Donald Trump’s ex-wife Marla Maple proclaimed the future president “the best sex I’ve ever had.” What the story conveniently omitted, perhaps by choice, is that Marla was a virgin until the fateful night of their wedding when she was ceremoniously deflowered by the rampaging stud she called “honey lips.”

Now, much has been said about the President’s alleged one night stand with porn star, Stormy Daniels. And then there is the notorious $130,000 paid to Stormy by Trump personal attorney, Micheal Cohen. Was this money well-spent to obtain a NDA (Non Disclosure Agreement) from Stormy? Apparently not. Upon realizing that she had hosed the next president of the these here United States some 10 years ago, she came to the conclusion that there might be gold in them there hills somewhere.

A virgin not, she estimated that she was not too far behind Wilt Chamberlain’s purported 20,000 sexual partners; but felt it was just a matter of time till she eclipsed the Big Dipper’s record. To put this in perspective, the most sexually promiscuous mammal on earth is said to be a Bandicoot; a medium sized terrestrial marsupial endemic to the Australia-New Guinea region. The Guinness Book of Records lists a Bandicoot named Crash from Papua New Guinea as the current record holder for sexual encounters with 26,424 different mates during his twelve year life. You do the math.

Other meaningful trivia:

The Urban Dictionary defines Bandicoot: N. The act of receiving sexual gratification while playing video games.

Origin: Bandicoot derived as a slang word from a small school in Northwest Ohio after a group of friends learn that one of their peers managed to get his girlfriend to pleasure him while playing Crash Bandicoot, one of Playstations all time bestselling games.

All of this salicious information is not for nothing. It only puts into perspective the latest of President Trump’s tweets regarding the controversy regarding his alleged tryst with Stormy Daniels:

“Stormy....Best Sex I Never Had.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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