Putin Demands Trump Fire Mueller

Funny story written by K.C. Bell

Thursday, 12 April 2018

image for Putin Demands Trump Fire Mueller
"Fire Mueller!"

Using the “back channel” line that bypassed US intelligence agencies and was suggested by son-in-law Jared Kushner, Vladimir Putin telephoned his friend at the White House from a Kremlin basement.

“Ducky, you have to fire Mueller today. Mueller is getting too close. He’s sniffing right up the back door of my hackers, the ones who gave you the extra 70,000 votes that put you over the top on election night.”

“Not my problem, Vlad. You call it a threat to Russian hackers? I call it a witch-hunt.”

Vladimir Putin was recorded as explaining…

(Yes, recorded. Kushner and Russia aren’t smart enough to bypass the CIA.)

…that in reality, there is an issue about the sexual identity of witch-hunts. Witch-hunts are technically for ladies. A male hunt, which is Trump, should more accurately be described as a warlock-hunt.

“Wow!!! That is so fantastic!!! Superlative, superlative! How did you ever become such an expert on witches?”


Easily distracted and way off the subject, Trump wanted to know the term for a warlock’s lawyer. Before Putin could reply, Trump interrupted and quickly asked, If a warlock had a daughter, a favorite daughter, what would she be called?

Putin was recorded as taking a long gulp, gulp, gulp of vodka. The CIA technician, listening and recording the conversation, threw his head set to the floor.

“Duckie, you have to fire Mueller today. Mueller is getting too close. He’s at the back door of my hackers.”

Trump explained that he was in the clear. He could always claim it was a surprise to him that Putin meddled in the election. Not my problem. It’s a: So what? situation.

Gritting his teeth, Putin explained that if Mueller discovers the 70,000 hacked votes, Hillary would become President of the United States, and Trump could be convicted of collusion with a foreign government and sent to jail, unless he got a pardon from Hillary Clinton.

“Wow! I get it. I’ll fire Mueller today. As soon as I get off the phone. But, um, what do you call your favorite daughter if you are a warlock?”

“Rikers Prison.”

Read more by this author:

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more