Latest Holistic Health Craze! Increasing Number of Americans Opt for Closed-Heart Surgery

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 8 March 2018

image for Latest Holistic Health Craze! Increasing Number of Americans Opt for Closed-Heart Surgery
Closed-heart surgery so effectively seals off the human heart that it becomes virtually undetectable, even by a stethoscope.

According to a recent report from the National Institute of Health, in this age of mass shootings, climate chaos and downward-spiraling human health, an increasing number of Americans have opted to undergo a cutting-edge elective procedure known as closed-heart surgery, which serves to seal off the heart from such painful emotions as existential angst, empathy and compassion for other living beings.

“It's a huge relief,” reports Ann Maltrobe of New York City, who underwent closed-heart surgery a little over three months ago. “I'm no longer weighed down by emotions or concern over other people, which has made me incredibly more effective at work. It's no exaggeration to describe the surgery as an act of true self-love.”

In fact, said Maltrobe, the surgery so effectively sealed off her heart that she didn't even bat an eye, let alone tear up, at a PETA video documenting a day in the life (in fact, the only day in the life) of a newborn male chick born into the egg industry.

"In the past, I was so sensitive," she explained, "that it literally hurt my heart to see male chicks ground up at birth - to the extent that sometimes I couldn't even fully enjoy my food. Now, though, I breezed right through it. They're just birds!"

The NIH report emphasized that closed-heart surgery is not to be confused with open-heart surgery, which remains wildly popular to address the pervasive lifestyle-caused condition known as "heart disease."

“Open-heart surgery is more of medical procedure, designed to manually remove plaque and cholesterol blockages that men and women have decided to willingly take on in exchange for a tasty, convenient diet of processed and animal-based foods,” explained Troy Baker of the NIH. “Closed-heart surgery, on the other hand, is more holistic in nature. It serves to block unpleasant feelings which aren't - yet - effectively prevented – by pharmaceuticals.”

Perhaps the most prominent spokesperson for closed-heart surgery is the United States President himself, Donald Trump.

“If I hadn't had my heart surgically closed off as a young man, I'd never have gotten where I am today,” proclaimed Trump. “It works!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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