Monday, 5 March 2018

The beleaguered Trump administration has been coming under increased pressure of late regarding the behavior of the eponymously named White House staff secretary mentioned in the poorly written title above. While the official story had recently revolved around investigatory findings of what crotch experts have called “unusual groin protrusions” (known to scientists studying nymphomania at the world-renowned Institute of Involuntary Erectile Malfunctions as simply “UGP”), fresh doubt has been cast by some on the official story.

According to researchers from the prestigious Orange Hair Dye Society, experts have discovered an extremely rare side effect of the coloring currently being utilized on 45’s magnificent mane of meatloaf. In extreme cases, some unsuspecting graduate assistants found that protracted long-term exposure can actually cause the respective substance at hand to cross the brain-blood barrier, resulting in uncontrollable sexual spasms.

“It was pretty intense,” said Dr. Fastenhousensteinbergerinsteensoneinfeldmanfield. “In fact, one of the participants became so horny that he was willing to insert his erect penis into an electric pencil sharpener until ejaculation was achieved. His dick is now so sharp that the internal organs of future sexual partners are in grave danger, not to mention the risk of accidentally decapitating the person unlucky enough to be performing fellatio. He is currently in critical condition due to lead poisoning.”

After going blind from accidentally poking both of his eyes out (during an attempt to hide his face from a wave of sleep-deprived journalists drunk on schadenfreude), the former political aide’s last twitter tweet tweeted via twitter’s Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee’s retweeting of tweets on twitterland’s tweeting twitter account read “One for all, and all for cheese!!” Besides the dairy-aficionado’s consistent habit of eating years-old moldy gorgonzola to get the taste of his wife’s cunt hole out of his mouth, he often was not careful regarding those tightly wrapped yellow triangles at his local deli. The FDA is currently looking into allegations that consumers are in fact purchasing semen from sexually-promiscuous whales who have AIDS (or "WAIDS," which is what Captain Ahab died of in Moby Dick... or a critic's best guess anyway, as no human has actually read all 17,983 pages to conclusively confirm or deny the foregoing. And as the movie “Wedding Crashers” is apt to point out – via legendary acting icons Owen Wilson and Christopher Walken – “Mody Dick” is actually not a venereal disease, but apparently a book of some sort…)

“The Donald” was not available for comment, as he temporarily went into anaphylactic shock after learning that his new tariffs directly caused his favorite hair coloring to be unavailable indefinitely. Moreover, Sarah Huckabee Sanders pointed to blown vocal cords, likely garnered from his non-stop screaming at multiple 387-inch White House flat-screen TV’s tuned to MSNBC.

“We just can not find the fucking remote control,” she continued. “Might be under the cushions, we’ll see… I’m not the maid around here. Do I look like a Cuban refugee who came here floating on a door? Fuck… Anyway, we’ve proposed an amendment to the House’s continuing resolution legislation that allocates tens of billions to set up a bipartisan search committee. My theory? Once the extra-marital affairs of previously known extra-marital affairs came to light – you know, ‘extra-extra-marital affairs if you will’ -Melania broke it in eight pieces while using it to beat Trump’s ‘man-whoring’ face in… And yes, Hope Hicks did discover several other plastic devices with buttons while drunkenly shitting into a men’s room urinal at 10 AM. But foisting ferociously unfathomable female fecal-fetishes aside, an unnecessarily expensive and drawn-out sixteen-month investigation by both the CIA and the Department of Homeland Security confirmed that they were mostly leftovers from Trump’s failed attempts to sell golden ‘Make America Great Again!’ vibrators… as well as an “unknown rectangular contraption with joysticks” thought to control one of Donald Trump Jr.’s toy race cars. The NSA did confirm the existence of one legitimate remote control, but apparently that shit only works on the DVD player…”

As the billionaire’s voice slowly returns, a full recovery is not expected until Seal Team Six makes a complete sweep of the premises. And according to 7’6” basketball legend Jared Kushner, “If they can find Bin Laden accidentally while getting lost on the way to the Arab opium dens, surely they’ll be able to find the Fox News frequency and put all of this to rest – once we steal the proper amount of duct tape and rabbit ears from the Eisenhower Museum. Which quite coincidently is not far from Sean Spicer’s beloved “Holocaust Centers…” To ensure that absolutely no critical thinking takes place, he can only watch programming that unquestioningly reaffirms his own views. In the meantime, distraction is key… like, you know, turning down the air conditioning to forty degrees and watching Ivanka’s nipples get hard, playing ‘Simon Says’ and strip poker with Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein while drinking absinthe, or even good-ole-fashioned shit like Candyland… Or even, you know, turning down the air conditioning to forty degrees and watching Ivanka’s nipples get hard…”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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