Written by Xavier Fairbanks

Saturday, 30 December 2017

image for Trump Gets Wiping Papers
President Trump unsure of where to place his fecal matter before Bill Passage

While the rest of us were sitting down for Christmas Dinner, our Commander In Chief was working out a tough situation in the White House bathroom. After hours of pushing, it seemed the deal was just not going to gain the necessary backing to meet the current vote threshold.

Just when all hope had seemed lost, Congress joined together and passed a measure that would allow Trump to successfully wipe his ass.

"It's great! It's fabulous! I can wipe! Wipe the swamp ass!", The President said.

"It hasn't been easy! But I gotta say this toilet paper, it's the best. Had no clue they made this till Ben Carson, you know Ben Carson, told me about that song guy, 2 Ply. He was something. Got the people going; I mean their underwear were filled so they walked around... Their pants were on the ground."

While this bill's passage is momentous for the Republican led Congress, many have criticized the bill saying it is merely a reflection of the job they have done this far.

"They took toilet paper, wrote a letter about it, and handed it to the president to use. I mean we're all thankful, trust me that smell was horrid to deal with in meetings. But the fact is that, once again, the Republican leaders pushed through something that was no more a law than approval to use the tampon disposal in the ladies room… it was simply symbolic and the only way Congress knew they could get him to wipe his ass. He had to be the center of attention as always." Said one Female Democratic senator.

"Maybe now he'll start grabbing his shitty instead of our pussy!", Said another female senator.

When asked for comment the First Lady said, " I have uh… been… try to get Donald to wipe for years. It is battle… a struggle I no need to undertake anymore."

Also celebratory was the President's long time laundry service. An anonymous employee was quoted saying, "Do you know how hard it is to get shit… I mean physical chunks of shit… out of a parachute?!? It isn't pretty!"

While Congress remains divided, they are at least able to agree on one thing…. They're sick of smelling the president's fat sweaty ass every single day!

Note From The Editor: President Trump mistakenly recognized famed rap artist Tupac as 2Ply.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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