BILLINGSGATE POST: The sun rose earlier than expected at the White House. Even the prickly pears were more prickly. The frantic search for the source of leaks emanating from the White House had put everyone on edge. Long-time Secret Service agent Slim Everdingle peered out the window, his gaze being met by a white and grey pigeon. Wondering whether it was real or just another Russian drone, he shooed it off by bore-sighting his 12-gauge Remington 870 shotgun at the bird's head.
Everdingle, whose reputation for undercover work preceded the Trump presidency, was the only agent allowed to wear a white tee-shirt and Dickies Short Sleeve Mechanic Coveralls in the White House. Allowing a generous fit in the shoulders and chest, its bi-swing back and elastic waist inserts offered classic comfort and protection for Slim's clandestine operations
His reputation for honesty was first established during the impeachment trial of William Jefferson Clinton when he disclosed to Senate investigators that, "on occasion he was unable to verify the whereabouts of the Red Phone which he was responsible for." First made operational in August 1963, this hotline provided direct communication between the President and the leader of the Soviet Union to avoid precipitating worldwide mutual destruction. The phone was always to be within reach of the President.
As related by Slim, he was caught completely off guard one evening. Apparently the president had allowed Ms. Lewinsky to take the phone home with her and use it while having phone sex with him. With the fate of the world in his hands, Agent Everdingle broke down the bedroom door of the raven-haired vixen, and rescued the phone before it was inadvertently used to create a potentially destructive maelstrom whose vortex might vibrate and cause to fall the domino structure of the Free World as we know it.
As the questionably ersatz pigeon fluttered to a higher mount, the utterly perplexed Everdingle, his very instinct challenged whenever he saw the two, black unblinking eyes peering out from underneath President Trump's albino raccoon headpiece, finally decided to set a trap.
Even though this hairpiece was a gift from Vladimir Putin, and treasured by President Trump, Slim decided that it was time to act. After considerable research, he found that raccoons couldn't resist marshmallows. They're easy to use, sweet and have that white visual appeal that raccoons love. But best of all, the president loved them.
The following morning, just after the New York Times revealed that an anonymous source provided the transcript of Trump telling Philippine President Duterte that he was going to crazy-glue FBI Director Comey's nuts to his desk, he happened on the beleaguered president.
"Who the Hell leaked that out?" he asked Everdingle.
"Sir, I don't know. But would you like a marshmallow?"
Unable to resist, the president grabbed a couple of the white delectables. But before he could put them in his mouth, the albino raccoon, who was covertly perched on his head, stuck out his paw and grabbed them away.
"What the f..k was that?" yelled the president.
Reacting immediately as he was trained, Slim Everdingle pulled out his 9mm Heckler & Koch MPS submachine gun and blasted the son-of-bitch off the president's head, leaving nary a scratch on his now bald pate.
With the dead raccoon stretched out on the floor, the white marshmallows still in his grasp, it was easy to see the wires that were surreptitiously attached to his now dysfunctional corpse.
"Mr. President, I don't think you'll have anymore leaks."
"Good job, Slim."
FOOTNOTE: Agent Slim Everdingle's body was later found in a snowdrift in the same park where Vincent Foster's body was found. Although the temperature in Washington was 93 degrees, he was wearing the same tee-shirt and coveralls he wore to work that day. Police reports stated that he had frozen to death.