Trump Surrogate Says She Should Be Executed

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 5 December 2016

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Scottie Nell Hughes, a Trump surrogate, in an interview with Esquire magazine, spelled out the Trump campaigns strategy. Hughes illustrated a defining principle of Trumpism: There's no longer such thing as fact, because anything is true if enough people believe it.

Hughes: "Well, I think it's {facts} also an idea of an opinion. And that's-on one hand, I hear half the media saying that these are lies. But on the other half, there are many people that go, 'No, it's true.' And so one thing that has been interesting this entire campaign season to watch, is that people that say facts are facts-they're not really facts. . Everybody has a way of interpreting things to be the truth, or not truth... But there's… no such thing as facts."

Esquire: That's a rather astonishing claim, that there is no such thing as objective reality. Modern society is built on the idea we can observe things in the world, use the scientific method to verify them and form a consensus that a certain set of things are true, that they are factually based.

Hughes: Reality is in the eye of the beholder.

Esquire: Would you agree that one plus one equals two?

Hughes: Well, my second grade teacher, Mrs. Compton, had that opinion when she taught us arithmetic. It just a matter of her opinion.

Esquire: So if a scientist says that the speed of light is constant in a vacuum that an opinion, not a fact.

Hughes: We in the Trump campaign don't believe in science. 98% of scientists believe in global warming. But millions of people disagree, most of them Trump voters. It's the opinion of these voters, which shows that the scientists have their facts wrong.

Esquire: Well, let's try something else: So in Salem when most people believed that some people were witches and should be executed, he people knew the truth? So suppose that it was you who was drowned because public opinion said you should be because you're a witch.

Hughes: Well, I must have been a witch and should have been killed.

Esquire: Well, thanks very much for doing this interview. After we publish it we'll ask our readers to vote on whether you suffer a displacement upward of functions usually associated with the lower colon which has clouded your brain.

[Dear Reader: The second paragraph are words actually said by this Trump surrogate on (naturally) Fox News.]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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