Jesus and the No-So-Immaculate Conception

Written by Chris Dahl

Thursday, 1 December 2016


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Since coming out of retirement earlier this year to manage the End Times, Jesus has branded himself as a regular fixture on the club-and-bar scene, drawing attention with his wild drinking and his late-night romps with females and some males who simply looked like females. His antics have landed him in the newspaper headlines, made him viral on the internet and got him chatted about on gossip shows like The View and TMZ. Up to this point, The Carpenter's Son has handled the notoriety with pure aplomb … until now.

Melanie Carter was approached by the paparazzi after being seen walking out of Jesus's Westchase home early Sunday morning. The exotic dancer, simply known as Coco at Showgirls exotic men's club which Jesus is known to frequent, covered her eyes during her "walk of shame" and refused to answer any questions as the cameras flashed and microphones leered over her. It was not until the following month, when she was spotted walking out of the Express Medical Clinic in Clearwater that dropped a bombshell. "Yeah, it's true. I'm knock, knock knocking on Heaven's door," Carter said, paraphrasing the classic Bob Dylan song, "or, at least, I'm knock, knock knocked up, you could say."

The crowd of reporters clamored to know if the Son of the Creator was the creator of this new life. Snapping her gum and picking at her nail extensions, Coco admitted that Jesus had indeed "formed her inward parts," to paraphrase the Good Book. When asked what the next step was and if Jesus knew, the dancer simply stated that she had always wanted a child and she had every intention on keeping it, especially one with such good genes. She heard His old man had some money as well.

"Shoot," was all Jesus had to say on the matter, shaking his head in shame. "I don't know if I can handle another kid right now, with all this End-of-the-World nonsense, Trump and Pence and all that. Can you imagine what Mary is gonna do to me? Not to mention the Old Man? I'm gonna have to take care of this situation somehow."
When asked to elaborate on what he meant by "take care of," he curtly said, "No comment," and headed back into his home.

Though the potential mother, Coco, and Jesus himself have remained silent on the subject of whether to keep the child or whether they plan to "take care of" the situation, vice-president-elect Mike Pence has seized on the opportunity to voice his Pro-Life opinions. "I'm pro-life and I don't apologize for it," Pence began his tirade. "Ever since I gave myself over to the Lord at that Christian Rock concert in 1979, I have believed that I am a Christian first and that everything else comes after that. Certainly, I am shocked and appalled that the son of Our Lord would end up falling into such disgrace, and I know the Lord will intervene on the side of righteousness and protect this unborn child as I have tried to protect all the unborn babies of the world, whether they are misshapen, defective or downright disabled. The Lord said, 'I knew thee when I shaped thee in thy mother's womb,' or at least that's what I think it said. Something like that. Anyway, you catch my drift: a dead baby is no baby at all and babies shouldn't be dead."

"That friggen guy needs to shut up and stop throwing my name around, and the Old man's name as well," Jesus responded after hearing Pence's take on the situation. "I mean, shoot, I wore a condom, but, you know, I guess when you have my old man's genes you end up with some pretty powerful swimmers. But, man, what are the chances, right? Just my luck."

Pence, in usual attack mode, fired back. While he refused to blame his personal Lord and Savior for the Not-So-Immaculate Conception, Trump's running mate cast stones at modern contraception "Well," Pence stated officiously, "I just simply believe the only truly safe sex, which Mr. Trump surely believes in as well, is no sex. And we ought to, with leaders of the stature of the president-elect, we ought to be sending a message to kids across the country and let the opportunity be had across the world for people to know that abstinence is the best choice for both young and old people, mortal and immortal, god or human, religious icon or ordinary Joe. But let's be clear, last year, the National Institute of Health, and some 28 separate experts said that there were at least a half dozen to ten sexually transmitted diseases for which condom use has zero preventative value. That same study shows that approximately 15% of the time condoms don't prevent pregnancy. So what's happening? Kids are being lured into sex by condoms. That's right. Condoms make kids think they can have sex and nothing will happen. See it's this newfangled modern world and the use of condoms was too modern of an answer to having sex out of wedlock. It was - it truly was a modern, liberal answer to a problem that parents like me are facing all over America, and frankly, all over the world. No sex is the answer, and I promise you my daughters and my son will never have sex. Also, I've talked to Mr. Trump about this and he agrees adamantly -no sex. Former president Clinton also agrees that abstinence, not contraception, is the best policy."

"It's a trap," president-elect Donald Trump chimed in. "See these kids think they have this wall, this big, strong, protective wall when they have these condoms in their pockets, but they don't. I mean they don't, you know? They don't. If I made condoms, I know how I'd make them. For me they'd be huuuuge! And they'd be stronger than a wall, and there wouldn't be any door in this wall either. No. No door in this wall! None. But yeah, like he says, there shouldn't be sex anyway. These boys have to learn how to respect women and treat them right, you know? I mean, treat them how a lady should be treated. Treat them the way I learned to treat them."
In a phone interview, former president Bill Clinton was asked whether he truly agreed with Mike Pence's hard-line approach to sexual abstinence. "Well," he said raising a cigar to his mouth, "that depends on your definition of sex."

When asked if there truly were more than one definition, Bill "Bubba" Clinton replied, "Well, there are more than you might think, sonny boy. More than you might think."

According to a source close to the Pence clan who knew them from their Indiana days, Pence's Puritanical views regarding sexual relations go beyond conservative to something bordering on the absurd, if not macabre. The former Hoosier leader will only attempt procreation in the missionary position with a woolen blanket between him and his spouse, holes cut in the appropriate places for ease of access. When questioned as to why he chooses wool, this informant claimed that Pence "did not want to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh too much 'lest he be distracted from his true path'."

His wife, Karen, must retreat to a shed to sleep and spend much of her time during her menstrual period, as Pence believes that the scent "of that sort of blood will attract predators both man and beast." Furthermore, Pence believed, quite literally, in the Stone-Age passage from the Bible, Leviticus 20:18, which he has painted on the wall above his matrimonial bed:

'If there is a man who lies with a menstruating woman and uncovers her nakedness, he has laid bare her flow, and she has exposed the flow of her blood; thus both of them shall be cut off from among their people

Also, according to this source, since afterbirth can be harvested for scientific research such as life-changing stem-cell research and defenses against viruses such as Zika, research which Pence is firmly opposed to on the grounds of his Christian beliefs, having called them an "empty promise" and "obsolete." Thus, instead of donating the afterbirth of his three children to science to advance the cause of such research, Pence insisted on destroying the matter in the surest way possible: feeding them to his two German Shepherds, Goebbels and Himmler.

Another quirk is that he rations his sex as a dieter might ration food so that "he does not become bloated with desire and lose focus."
Finally, after intercourse, the vice-president-to-be showers in water hot enough to boil potatoes and then he wipes every inch of his virginal flesh with a mixture of isopropyl alcohol and pine-scented ammonia. Only then does he "feel cleansed in the eyes of the Savior" and can sleep through the night.

"This guy is crazy," Jesus proclaimed after hearing of this Revelation about Mike Pence's idiosyncrasies. "I mean he's just one of those people who takes the Bible way too literally. Abortion? Of course it's not in the Bible. We didn't have it back then. If you didn't want the kid, you put him in a basket and pushed him down the river - it worked out for Moses, right? And believe me if we did have abortion back then, Joseph, my step-dad, would have been first in line at the old Planned Parenthood. He knew I wasn't his kid. He didn't want to raise someone else's kid."

And now Jesus and Melanie Carter, also known as Coco, will have to make that decision sooner rather than later since Mike Pence has legislation pending to limit, if not eliminate, the choice of abortion, ironically all in the name of Jesus.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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