Texas Requires Men Who Masturbate To Have Burial Services For ALL Of Thier Unborn Children

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Saturday, 10 December 2016


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Legal analysts say it will be impossible for most Texas men to comply with the law requiring burial for thier semen.

In Earth, Texas, 15 year old Jess Mobley is like a lot of teenage boys: he plays sports and likes video games, and like other boys his age, he masturbates a lot and often has wet dreams--but under new "Sanctity of Life" laws already enacted in Texas, Jess would pay hundreds of dollars a month to a state approved cremation service to dispose of his semen because it was not used for procreative sex.

The current situation started when a new law in Texas forced women to have burial services or cremation for their aborted or miscarried fetuses. Outraged by the passage of the law, state house member Austine Powers sarcastically proposed the "Sanctity of Life" law for men as a protest. Powers happened to be ill days later when the house took up her resolution, and without realizing it was a joke, the house then passed the resolution on to the senate where it became law.

Many women protested the initial law by sending their used feminine products to the Texas state legislature with letters claiming they could not afford burial services for their other children who were neither conceived nor born.

Likewise, Jess and males of all ages, have been protesting the new law pertaining to them by mailing an avalanche of condoms with their semen to the Texas legislature and the governor's office along with letters claiming they can't afford the state mandated burial or cremation for their sperms that could have been children.

Disposal of the condoms has put the state of Texas in a sticky situation where it may itself be in violation of the new law. For Jess Mobley and others, the act of protest has now caught them in the cross hairs of Texas law enforcement since part of the law calls for large fines for improper disposal of semen. Assistant Texas Attorney General Chris Clark has said Mobley and other protesters could face fines in the tens of thousands of dollars.

The ACLU as well as the international legal team of Sanders & Cassandro are prepping to challenge the new laws.

Attorney Beth Cassandro spoke to reporters about the Mobley case while outside of a restaurant in Littlefield, Texas.

"Young Mr. Mobley, who himself wants to be a lawyer, contacted us and we immediately took on his case as he pointed out several obvious areas of this law that we can challenge. And considering the embarrassment that the state of Texas has caused our client, we will be seeking punitive damages once our client is exonerated of these ridiculous charges and fines."

Texas House member Ermine Gomer defended his vote for the law and the fines against Mobley.

"[Representative] Powers comes up with a great piece of legislation then claims it was a joke, I'm not buying it. Well now this boy, Mobley and the protesters are not only in violation of Texas law, they are going against God's will too by spilling their seed in such an offensive way. You will never convince me to vote to let people go against God's will. If we let these men flout God's laws then women will want to go against the Almighty and the Great State of Texas too."

Backlash against the new law has turned the tide and some Texas lawmakers have privately floated the idea of a repeal of the portion of the law for men, which only sparked more outrage from women's health advocates.

Dorothy Kristoffopolis who led a protest at the Texas State capital in Austin, spoke to a reporter from the Austin Statesman about the repeal.

"We've just seen how if you make a law that might inconvenience how a man masturbates or has sex, the legislature will rightly repeal such a stupid law, yet the Sanctity of Life law for women and the dozens of other repressive laws for women in Texas will stay on the books. Women continue to be punished by the state of Texas for making healthcare decisions that should only be between them and their doctor."

For men in Texas who are affected by the law, (until it's supposedly repealed), here are a few of the more draconian requirements regarding burial and cremation of a man's, uh, issue.

  • If a man engages in sex that is not for the sake of procreation, the man must use a condom to save the sperm for burial/cremation.
  • Men and teens prone to wet dreams must sleep with a condom on to collect sperm for proper burial/cremation.
  • At least one thousand possible baby names must be chosen for each cubic centimeter of semen collected, and the names must be on the register for burial/cremation, this can be done electronically, and the burial service may assist in the compiling of baby names.
  • A state approved religious ceremony must be provided for all semen sent for proper burial, these ceremonies can be performed for large groups to help with logistics for large burial/cremation operations.

As the law is currently worded it may be impossible for many young Texas men to comply, the expenses alone could run in to thousands of dollars a month, especially for those who produce large amounts of semen.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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