Written by Harry Klondike

Friday, 27 May 2016

image for Remains of 74 Year Old Nun Found In Woods

The mysterious disappearance of Mother Helen Graham four years ago have been solved. She was last seen alive on a nature trail in the Angeles National Forest when she strolled away to look at a cactus flower. Her friend Sister Ellen Turner said, "she walked low enough off the trail that I lost sight of her. After about 10 minutes passed I- walked 15 feet to the point where she departed the trail and didn't see anything."

This past weekend her remains were found in a cave. Some rather unseemly details are starting to emerge about just what happened to this nun who went into the wild. The game warden Val Hurst said when he was alerted to human remains he was a little shocked to find, "a dried, near mummified corps in a seated position, back against a rock with the left leg elevated at the knee, and the other leg stretched out straight. The right arm was stiff and straight while the left hand was akimbo to the body with the hand and fingers around.... no in the pelvic region."

An elaborate diary was found where she wrote in her journal every day. Toward the end she was writing of how she'd publish it if she survived and call it "Between My Holy Loaves". According to the medical examiner it was written over a whopping 14 month period. "She was a survivor", said Dr. Gould. He made clear she most likely died, not from starvation or exposure but of a mid-orgasmic heart arrhythmia.

"I'm not Catholic and I don't want to offend the Catholics with this information, but based on her diary and bodily position it seems she literally masturbated herself to death." It also seems, according to detectives that she may have had a chance to be rescued on at least one occasion but deliberately hid from the near by hikers.

Sandra Green PhD., a psychologist who studies the impact of under and/or over sexual stimulation on the long term mental health of various cultural groups said, "Further exploration of her carnality was so unrelenting and the urge so unsatiated that it ultimately led to her doom."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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