Newest flatworm to be named after Giuliani

Written by joseph k winter

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

image for Newest flatworm to be named after Giuliani
Use of Giuliatrema nonsequituriai as military weapon not out of the question

Last week, a new species of flatworm discovered in Malaysia was named after President Barack Obama as Baracktrema obamai.

The scientist making this designation, Thomas R. Platt, chose Mr. Obama, a distant relative, and a person Mr. Platt admires.

Right away another new flatworm has been discovered, in New York waters, and it will be named after former mayor of New York, Mr. Rudy Giuliani.

This time the honor is bestowed by Dr. Vertiginal Waymouth, with scientific designation for the new worm Giuliatrema nonsequituriai.

Dr. Waymouth has explained that his choice of Mr. Giuliani is based on two factors: a) the former mayor's logic on Iraq, recently expounded on ABC News; and b) metaphorical applications of the worm's habits to national security.

The new species is again a parasite infecting a host target and implanting eggs that endure and allow reproduction of the worm itself.

Part a) of the honor for Mr. Giuliani derives from his saying to ABC's George Stephanopoulus that the US should have seized Iraq's oil when it had a chance, before leaving in 2011, because in war "Anything's legal."

That is, taking the oil and putting the U.S. in charge of distributing it would have prevented its being used by the terrorists.

Ergo no ISIS.

This theft would be legal, Mr. Giuliani believes, because war allows it. But legal experts have pointed out that seizing Iraq's oil would have been illegal, based on international law for at least the last 100 years.

Nonetheless, Mr. Giuliani argues that with Iraq's oil under the invader's lock and key, the defeated Sunnis would have been content to sit back and watch TV.

Having no oil to peddle to places like Turkey, ISIS would have been without supporting funds and ability, probably causing wide-spread sighing plus wringing of hands in the sense of "Nothing to be done."

The new governing class Shia in Iraq would have been happy to have the question of who controls and owns the oil off their hands.

They would have sat back, saying, "The Americans have taken this burden of our oil off our hands! What a relief! And of course we accept their decisions on how our oil should be shared out to the oil companies and so forth."

In part b) of Dr. Waymouth's reasoning, the remarkable similarity of the policy Mr. Guiliani is proposing for the US, and the flatworm's behavior, is almost startling.

That is, the flatworm sneaks into its host, attacks and occupies it, and seizes its resources for growth and reproduction. The host withers.

Pentagon strategists are reported interested in these developments, with Flatworm Stealth Programs and Flatworm Special Forces under study.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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