Obama Admits Birthers Got It Right, Italians Celebrate

Funny story written by Mike Peril

Sunday, 28 August 2016

image for Obama Admits Birthers Got It Right, Italians Celebrate
Italians Worldwide Celebrated Obama's News

Washington, DC - In what pundits are calling "Birthers of a Nation," President Barack Obama today acknowledged that "perhaps" he was born outside the United States to foreign parents and therefore did not qualify to become President. It was a stunning admission during a Rose Garden news conference preceded by a multi-cultural celebration.

Wearing a green, red and white striped tie, Obama stated to his wife and two girls, "You have a right to know our true family heritage and you will hear it from me first."

The disclosure came after Julian Assange of Wikileaks stated that he has possession of Obama's real birth certificate. The certificate shows that Obama was actually born near Rome, and that his true birth name is "Bartolomeo Horatio Obama." President Obama chose to get ahead of the possible scandal with his own personal announcement.

"Contrary to what I believed, I have learned recently that I am not a black man, I have no African heritage. I am not the first elected black President, I am instead the first elected Italian President." Reporters gasped as bottles of red wine were promptly served.

For the remainder of the evening, Italian music was played. Pasta, ravioli, meatballs, zepoles and cannolis were served. Obama sang "Besame Mucho" and a Frank Sinatra impersonator capped the celebration, starting with "Chicago," and ending with "My Way."

In his final comments, Obama stated with a broad smile, "Grazie, thank you, all of yous, finalmente! So gooda to feela so free in America!"

Experts are unsure whether Obama will be required to step down. Obama gave no indication that he will resign, and the impeachment process will take longer to complete than what little time remains in Obama's second term.

Some legal scholars suggest that the Supreme Court should step in, opening the door for Vice President Joe Biden to complete Obama's term as President. But the evenly split current court without Justice Scalia would mean that no action would likely be taken.

Members of the "Birther Movement" believe there is more to this story. Birthers are now implying that Scalia was murdered as a cover up, once Scalia figured out Obama's Italian heritage. They believe Obama, finally loosening up, exposed his true Italian accent to Scalia over a couple of glasses of Chianti.

GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump quickly repeated the rumors, stating that Obama and Hillary Clinton might have something "very major" to do with Scalia's death.

Meanwhile Italian-Americans and citizens of Italy celebrated the news with festivals planned. Italian-Americans are now discussing an appropriate day for a new Federal holiday, and debating which streets and buildings should be named after Obama.

More confusion stirred, however, at midnight, when Obama tweeted: "Justa kidding. You seriously want a President who embraces rumors and scandals? See what happens? Even fooled Trump! I thought he gets SARCASM! -- POTUS 'Bart'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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