"Broad Daylight" robberies explained

Written by thomas o'hanlon

Monday, 29 August 2016

image for "Broad Daylight" robberies explained
hoodlums on dreary days

FBI's senior special investigator, Horace Deluca in a recent press conference, explained why so many daytime robberies are committed in "broad daylight".

"A thief," said Mr. Deluca, "is just like anybody else. A nice sunny day with a blue sky offers the prospects of good things to come, enables the thief to have a cheerful mood, confident in his chosen profession."

The Bureau randomly picked 100 case studies of daytime crimes and concluded as Mr. Deluca said "that daytime thievery is a rarity on gloomy days."

He cited specific examples. "94 cases shared the same description, all include at least one witness or police officer stating that the crime was committed in 'broad daylight'".

Of the six remaining cases it was revealed that three were committed on a "windswept drizzling day", one took place on a "the sun was playing peek-a-boo day" and two happened on a "disgustingly humid day that makes your blue jeans stick to the inside of your thighs day."

According to the study released by the FBI, forty percent of the broad daylight crimes were witnessed by neighbors who were also caught up in the reverie of a nice day.

Kyle Swank of Yonkers New York, watched with a smile as thieves carried away expensive electronics from his neighbor's house. "I was dumbfounded," said Mr. Norton. "Gary, my friend and neighbor asked me to watch his house while he was vacationing, and I remember waking that morning and thinking what a glorious day it was. Then I hear someone singing from Gary's driveway. I went outside to investigate and there were two strangers carrying his 55-inch flat screen. I should have been alarmed but the song they were singing was "Oh What a Beautiful Morning" from Oklahoma and well the next thing I know I'm helping the thieves carry out some heavy objects while singing along."

Local police throughout the country have stepped up patrols during broad daylight at the suggestion of the FBI, but this has only resulted in a lot of backslapping and handshaking with looters and warnings of "come on guys, you know better than that, I'll let you go this time but maybe not the next time" Officers have admitted saying those very words while winking at the fleeing yet smiling hoodlums.

Investigator Deluca has hinted that the FBI is looking into curtailing the weather with cloud seeding.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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