U.S. Baby Names Now Are Metalllica, Armani, VegiLax, & Preditor

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 31 August 2016

image for U.S. Baby Names Now Are Metalllica, Armani, VegiLax, & Preditor

"Our names are our destiny," is an old saying perhaps with some truth in it. it must be said that names given to newborns in America are fascinating, if not sometimes disconcerting.

A fad of naming non-gender specific names has emerged in America according to hospital records. Some names that are now quite popular are: Sawyer, Kingsly, Aubrey, Jadelyn, Winter, Louis-louisa, Cannon, Creedilyn, Vermont, Longworthy, Arboreta, Defoe, and Isaccclie.

The reasons given for such names for both boys and girls are quite varied. One new mother said, "My spouse and I were obsessing over what name to give the new baby, it caused a lot of consternation because we didn't know what gender it would be. So 4 months before birth we settled on Jasperin because it would fit either one."

Another popular reason was that, because in America there is such discrimination against women on job applications it was thought that human resources people were likely to give interviews to a person named Kai and other non-gender specific names.

Many newborns were given names, not at all gender neutral, but because their parents were fans of celebrities past and present. Common names are Zorro, UmaCruz, Hulk, Zenomorph, Big Brother, Taboo, Jaws, Vanila Ice, Gywneth, Wire, Black Sabbath, Predator, Stressed Out, LittleHouse, Malficant, Limbaugh, Mr.T, Kardashian, Punkass, Strangelove, Hannidy, Cher, and Metallica.

Some newborns have names given to them by parents who wanted to be original such as Plastique, D' LaShaniqua, D'Athoney, Mohammad Akbar, deChastity, Laptoyanqua, Blackie-C, etc. But these parents are not doing their black offspring any favors, any more than "hippie" parents of the 60's and 70's who named their kids by such names as Summer, Moonbeam, Weed, Vishnu, Willow, Flowergirl, Astral Plane, Peace And Love, Chastity Rainbow Marie, LalitaShakti, and Cosmic River.

Perhaps most curious of all are people who apparently are from the lower economic strata who identify with expensive products, corporations, and are influenced by advertising. Their kids are given such name as Armani, Prada,
Google, Givenchy, Humira Ultimate Driving, Big Mac, AstroaZeneca, Lovin'It, Bulgari, Rolex, Cialis, Tiffany, Wayweroll, Barbie Doll, IBM, and VegiLax.

Of interest is that today, hardly any children are named Palin, Hillary, Donald, Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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