New York, NY - Donald J. Trump announced today that he will be unavailable for the three scheduled debates with Hillary Clinton and that the campaign has hired three substitutes. Trump's substitutes will be Senator Elizabeth Warren for the domestic policy debate, former Governor Jeb Bush for the open citizen forum, and Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin for the foreign policy debate.
Trump stated that he has other commitments on the scheduled dates, including tickets with his sons to a couple of football games, although he may be able to show up late as a spectator.
"They will do a fine job, by the way," stated Trump.
Each of the replacements seemed surprised when contacted by the press about the announcement. The choice of Senator Elizabeth Warren on domestic policy matters seemed particularly odd, since Trump repeatedly called the Democratic Senator "Pocahontas" on the campaign trail.
However, Warren, who is known for enjoying the limelight, tweeted "Forget Hillary. Count me in! Donny, ole friend, we are now in this to-get-her! -- Liz"
Jeb Bush seems to be an equally strange choice, given that Trump constantly called Bush "low energy" during the Republican primary season and Bush has failed to endorse him.
Further, sources stated that Bush is resting at his father's Dallas estate home after the long primary season. He is taking a "mental health" break from politics.
Reporters tried to reach Jeb Bush by phone at his father's home. At first, former First Lady Barbara Bush answered the 1 p.m. call and said that Jeb was still sleeping. Then former President George H.W. Bush took the phone and yelled, "Is that you again Trump? Stop harassing us, you ass!"
Also strange is the choice of Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin to debate Secretary Clinton on foreign policy. "No one knows ISIS and how to handle ISIS better than Comrade Vladimir," the Trump Campaign announced. Campaign Manager Paul Manafort reportedly secured Putin's commitment from Manafort's second home outside Crimea.
However, President Putin stated through an interpreter that he has not been contacted by the Trump Campaign, and certainly would not debate Hillary Clinton, who he considers a very formidable debater. "Nyet, nyet, nyet," he said.
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has agreed to be on standby for President Putin's debate if President Putin becomes unavailable. "President Putin and we Alaskans have become very, very close, so I know what he would say even before he says it" she reportedly stated to one reporter.
It was reported that NJ Governor Chris Christie tried to ask Mr. Trump to "at least" be considered as one of his debate designees, given that he was overlooked for the Vice Presidential nomination.
Christie attempted to scale Trump Tower with toilet plungers to try to have his request heard, and even posted a YouTube video addressed to Mr. Trump. Nobody seemed to notice Christie as he fell from the second story back to the street below, where sources state he has been living.
"You see, I don't do things the same old way. My carefully selected designees are going to show us how we are going to make America great again, believe me! I am going to have great people around me, by the way, really great people," stated Trump regarding the unconventional decision at a rally.
The presidential debates are scheduled for September 26, October 9, and October 19.