Washington, D.C. - A recent survey of over 1000 elephants from zoos across America, confirmed what biologists who study the great, big animals have thought all along - elephants are very aware that they are the face of the Republican Party - and they are none too happy about it!
Dr. Dung Ho, of the San Diego Zoo, headed the study, which cost nearly $40 million dollars, funded by Federal money set aside to prevent the worst sorts of animal cruelty. "These beautiful, intelligent animals are weeping on the insides," told Dr. Dung Ho. "Every single time we show them the face of Donald Trump or Ted Cruz, they start beating their poor heads against the bars of their cages, while making noises that can only be described as long, sad, tortured moans! It's really awful to watch them suffer like this. But we must!"
Dr. Dung Ho and other scientists with funny sounding names are now leading a campaign to get Republicans to pick a less intelligent and more selfish animal to represent them. "I think a large garbage-eating rat, like the ones found in New York City, or a pit viper would make a more suitable choice. I hope Congress will consider passing a motion to switch animals, for the health and well-being of elephants everywhere. Personally, I don't think that any animal should be subjected to this type of brutality, but clearly, Americans feel the need to have some sort of animalized symbol in politics to represent their feelings."
But we reporters needed to see for ourselves, in order to be convinced that elephants truly know what's going on. And indeed, we were collectively shocked to watch Lulu, a usually passive 20-year-old female elephant at The National Zoo in D.C., start smashing her forehead against her cage when shown a large poster of Trump. "See what I'm talking about?" said Dung Ho. "She can't stand the very sight of him!"
Lulu then turned around and took a crap the size of a small Toyota directly on Trump's face, then proceeded to pound the heap of steaming turd into the poster until the picture was completely disintegrated, staring all the reporters directly in the eye while doing so. "This happens with every single animal that we test," explained Dung Ho. "It's no coincidence. With Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz, it gets even worse. We've had elephants try to commit suicide when we show them posters of those two! It's so very sad," the doctor said with a river of tears streaming down his face.
"Now, look if we bring in a poster of Hillary Clinton." We sat, watching in awe. "You see? Lulu could care less. She just turns around and walks the other way. She'd rather play with her truck tire. She has absolutely no interest what-so-ever in even looking at the woman's face, let alone donating any money to her campaign."
So, upon pondering this confounding evidence, we asked Dr. Dung Ho the inevitable question brewing in all the reporters minds who had gathered to watch Lulu, "What do donkeys think of Hillary and Bernie - the symbol of their party?" Dr. Dung Ho's eyes lit up in wonder. "That's a very excellent question! I think I smell another $40 million dollar check coming my way!" he said, rubbing his hands together excitedly, running off in a sprint towards his brand new white BMW, clicking his heels together like a leprechaun and peeling rubber to go write another grant proposal.