ATHENS, AL -- The nation is in mourning today after 14 people lost their lives during a stream of inclusive, non-offensive phrases. The alleged culprit was identified as Jeffery Kleinfeld, 22, who locals knew as a perfectly racist, sexist white boy. Close friends and family members claim that Kleinfeld had recently become radicalized by the forces of politeness and basic human decency.
At 9:34 this morning, Kleinfeld walked into the Rathbone Truck Stop off I-65 and sat down at the counter. At 9:36, the troubled young man initiated a horrific display of respect, with a complete lack of assumptions or stereotypes about the restaurant staff or diners.
"I was deeply offended by how non-offensive he was," said Reggie Flint, a pure, innocent white man who survived the ordeal. "He looked directly at a man of Middle-Eastern descent in a wheelchair without so much as mumbling the word 'terrorplegic,' and he somehow refrained from calling two male diners 'Mexi-queers' despite their brown skin and apparent romantic chemistry."
"The way he treated the waitress was just plain awful," said Jason Dunn, another sweet, angelic man with skin as white as the unspoiled snow atop Mt. McKinley. "He looked her in the eyes when he ordered his food, and didn't call her 'sweetie,' 'hon,' or 'sugar tits.' The worst part was when he neglected to slap, whistle, or even look at her ass when she walked away. It's like he saw her as an equal and not as a sexual object. Sick bastard."
Fortunately for the diners, Tony Clyburn, a concerned citizen with a concealed firearm, drew his weapon and killed Kleinfeld before his ruthless rampage of respectful indifference could cause any more damage. Clyburn also shot 13 others who had been tainted by Kleinfeld's political correctness, including a couple of shady-looking unarmed black men.
"Thank God there was a good guy with a gun on the scene," said local Sheriff James Curry. "That PC maniac could have made even more people feel safe and welcome if Clyburn hadn't taken him down."
On the campaign trail, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was quick to comment on the incident: "This is what I'm talking about, people -- political correctness is ruining our country. What has a little casual racism and sexism ever done to hurt anyone?"