Written by Steve Bolton

Wednesday, 10 February 2016


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Republican frontrunner Donald Trump is promising to 'make it interesting' and campaign shirtless if he doesn't do well in New Hampshire and has said he's prepared to go 'all the way' if necessary in the lead up to Super Tuesday.

Throwing fistfuls of money from his personal chopper as it flew low over the suburbs of Concord N.H. Trump said he was willing to make the sacrifice, even if the weather was cold, if that's what it took to make America great again.

"We need to make America great again...I'm gonna do whatever it takes...whatever it...to do that...no matter what!", he bellowed as the rotor blades roared above him.

"Ted Cruz is a great guy...a smart guy...but we're in trouble...China...he doesn't have what it takes to make America great again!

We need a commander in chief who's willing...China is killing us! To do what it takes...to build a wall and make America great. We need to kill China. We need to build some kind of wall in China...a big wall...and get them to pay for it...and get them to kill North Korea...and kill them in trade...We'll kill China in trade."

It's thought Trump's threat to campaign bare chested may be in response to rumors being circulated by the Cruz campaign that Trump has a third nipple, making him unpopular with evangelicals.

"Cruz's people keep going on about a third nipple. There is no nipple. It's a birthmark. I have two nipples like everyone else. They're big...probably the biggest...more like plums than olives...but there are two. I released my medical records and you know what they said?...you know what they said? Disgustingly good health. The best health. And great nipple health. I'd be the healthiest President in history.

Pressed on whether he saw his shirtless campaigning carrying over into any potential Presidential campaign, and possible future Presidency, Mr Trump said he relished the idea of campaigning against the Democrats Presidential candidate shirtless.

"Bernie's a great guy...a smart guy but a loser. He loves me...there's a lot of love... but nobody wants to see him with his shirt off. And with Hillary...let's be real...I have better boobs that Hillary. I've got great boobs."

Mr Trump went on to say he imaged he and Russian President Vladamier Putin would get along well and would do most of their bilateral negotiating without shirts.

"You've got two great guys...guys without shirts...and we're negotiating hard...and that's what we need. Guys who can take their shirts off and negotiate. I'm not a forest guy...he's a forest guy...I'm not a forest guy...I get bites... but you know...we would get along great.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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