"Left-handers should conform" Spouts Germaine Greer

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 1 February 2016

image for "Left-handers should conform" Spouts Germaine Greer
Donald Trump has kept quiet on the issue, leading many to believe he is a secret left-hander

The haggard, Aussie feminist, Germaine Greer, has hit out over the liberal attitude of so call "leftie liberals" in her latest vitriolic column in the so-called hi-brow press.

Speaking in the Guardian, Greer asked: "Why do some people choose to be left-handed? At what age should they be allowed to make this choice?"

Opponents have stated that this indicates she has done zero research on left-handedness. but she had more to say.

"Just chopping off your right hand and calling yourself left-handed doesn't make you a left-hander," she has gone on record as saying. "And what's worse, are the parents who believe that they can indulge the whims of their children. They should let them explore their dexterity, but at the end of the day, everybody is right-handed and parents should acknowledge this. They'll be lopping off their right hands before they're old enough to make up their own minds!"

About one seventh of the world's population identify as left-handed, and Greer does say she has no problem with people who choose to write left-handed in the privacy of their own homes.

"They should do it in private, behind closed curtains," she said. "They should not inflict their left-handed fetish on decent people, we should not have to know that they are a cross-writer."

Barrie Humphries has come out in support of Greer, wading into an argument he knew nothing about, other than it had given Greer a lot of coverage across many media platforms.

"Parents should be instilling in their children the unitary nature of handedness," said the Dame Edna Everage actor. "God intended us to be right-handed, there is no room in society for this aberration. Did not Jesus sit on God's right hand? He didn't sit on his left hand, did he?"

Jeremy Clarkson has also seen the media-coverage potential of jumping on the anti-leftie bandwagon.

"These loonie leftie parents deserve our scorn," he said in his column in Motoring Weekly, midway through a discussion on mid-engined super cars. "It's their own fault. They could be right-handed if they wanted to be. They are attention-seekers who wish to be 'different' and 'special'. They should be hounded and ridiculed. They should be stoned!"

Clarkson may well be unaware that in the past, left-handed people were so ridiculed, and were stoned. Up until the mid-nineteenth century left-handedness was persecuted with the word 'sinister' meaning literally: 'left-handed'.

Left-handed support groups believe that society should cater for south-paws.

"There should be provisions in the work-place," said Ruth Hunt, CEO of Brickwall, an organisation seeking equality for lefties. "Chisels, screwdrivers, drills, even door handles, should all be designed with left-handed people in mind."

Many left-handed people suffer such rejection in their family life that they would turn to substance abuse for succour, if bottle openers and syringes could be used by left-handed people, but even this is denied them.

"I have had a life of shame," said one left-handed person who prefers to only be known as Richard. "I know there is considered more equality these days, and the government have made is a hate-crime to attack people for their handedness, but that doesn't stop the bigots."

It's not just Australia and the UK that are seeing this discrimination against even-handed equality. America, too, has seen several states instigate a so-called "bathroom bill".

"Left-handed people should have their own facilities," said Ted Cruz, presidential hopeful and the only person on the planet dimmer than Trump. "Think of the children. We don't want these perverts able to use the same urinals as good honest, god fearing right-handers. We might bump elbows, for god's sake!"

For his part, Donald Trump has yet to wade into this contentious issue. Something that is somewhat out of character. This has led many political pundits to believe that Trump might be a closet leftie, despite his assertions that he is on the far right.

Recently, there have been a series of high-profile celebrities coming out as left-handed. Most notoriously, Caitlyn Jenner, who adorned the cover of Vanity Fair holding an award in her left hand. Despite her fame, most lefties do not want her as a spokesperson for left-handedness, believing her to be too right-wing her self. These prominent celebs, often coming out of left field, have highlighted the equality issue that has always existed, and now MPs are looking to correct it in the UK at least with a campaign entitled Glove Love.

"I've seen measures put in place to protect the rights of left-handed people," said one protester at a Left Pride March, earlier this month. "But I think these measures should go further. I'm ambidextrous, or handed-fluid, as I prefer to be called. There is no provision for our protection. Too much emphasis is placed on the binary, you're either right or left, preferably right. What about people like me?"

MPs, however, are yet to tackle those people who sit outside the binary, hoping that they'll just use their right hand, and be good citizens.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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