Recent national study discovers surprising views on Bernie Sanders

Funny story written by AJ O'Connell

Thursday, 4 February 2016

image for Recent national study discovers surprising views on Bernie Sanders
Sanders and Boeheim are both known for being generally old and upset at things

A recent study conducted by PEW Research Center in Washington, D.C was made available to the public this past Monday. The aims of the study were to further understand the common political beliefs among the American public today. The think tank's three-month venture was vast and covered at least one major city population in every state.

The key point of the published report involved former Vermont senator and current presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. The study stated that one out of every five Americans confuses the 76 year old with Hall of fame basketball coach Jim Boeheim. Janis Boca, who led the PEW research team's efforts, elaborated on the key discovery, "Every now and then we'd discover someone, typically a college basketball fan, who believed that the two were the same person; either someone believed Boeheim was running for president in his spare time or that Sanders was coaching the University of Syracuse men's basketball team."

Boca went on to explain additional findings of the study, "OH yeah nothing has changed," Boca said while lighting a cigarette, "people like Donald Trump because they're angry at Muslims or something, and people still think Hilary Clinton chats dirty with Vladimir Putin on federal email accounts. We didn't wish to waste any time pursuing such predictable areas, this was literally the only original belief we found in major public opinion today."

Greg Barchek, a first-year English literature major at the university of Virginia and Sanders supporter, provided some insight on Sanders' popularity "I think it's so inspiring how someone without a political background can run for president," Barchek said, "This dude was a stud baller back in the sixties for the Orange. How can there be any concern about his health? Anybody who can run the point can run the oval office in my opinion."

In wake of PEW's study, many American news sources have apologized for displaying incorrect photographs of Bernie Sanders over the course of the presidential primaries, both on television and on the internet.

ABC News recently displayed an image of Boeheim on their website's front page after the second democratic debate. Nobody noticed a difference. This past Tuesday, CBS Sports posted an image of Bernie Sanders on their website after Syracuse's 68-60 victory over Virginia Tech University. "It was an old man pointing angrily at someone," exclaimed Douglas Volk, executive producer of the network, "production rolled with it and it was our most read game breakdown of the night."

During a timeout in that same game, protestors with the black lives matters movement took center court with megaphones and homemade signs demanding the basketball players to do something more meaningful with their lives than chase after a ball for people's amusement. During postgame interviews, Jim Boeheim was also asked questions about healthcare reform and the wealth gap.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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