New York - Animal activists came one step closer to ridding Central Park of the carriage horse trade, proposing a variety of new employment opportunities in other fields for the equines.
"It's all about jobs and the dignity of work for these noble beasts," said Mayor DeBlasio in announcing the program. "The horses and their owners have no problem vacating the park as long as a new job awaits them."
The jobs will be provided under a city program called GLUE (Gateway Lane for Unemployed Equines). "GLUE will help these horses stick together, if you'll pardon my usual bad pun," the mayor said. "There will be no horse left behind."
Among the jobs being offered is one based on the Uber Share-a-Saddle concept. The program allows horses to provide on demand transportation throughout the city, while still being part of the overall master traffic plan.
"We're calling it Hail A Horse," DeBlasio said. "It's a good program, but we're having some resistance mounting the bulletproof shields and medallions on these nags."
Corporate sponsor McDonald's, which is helping to fund GLUE to the tune of $2 million, is also developing an option for the retired horses.
"We're going to introduce our Cheval menu, which will provide a new protein source to the American digestive system," a McDonald's spokesperson said. "I think you'll find that these horses cook as good as they look."
If all those efforts fail, the final solution is to provide a basic manufacturing job for the remaining unemployed trotter. "We would build a $25 million automated plant in Central Park and call it The GLUE Factory. How's that for Zero Vision?"