Trump: Birther Attack on Jesus

Funny story written by Brett Taylor

Thursday, 21 January 2016

image for Trump: Birther Attack on Jesus

Donald Trump seems strong in the race for the Republican presidential nomination, but that doesn't mean he'll curb his more fringe tendencies.

This week, Trump spoke at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, where he brought his brash viewpoint to the topic of religion.

"I'm gonna frank here," he said. "I've got my doubts about this Jesus guy. Jesus runs around telling people to turn the other cheek if somebody attacks them. I'm thinking he's soft on terrorism. We don't need a Prince of Peace, we need a guy who's not afraid to kick a little ass."

"The guy talks about, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Sounds like a bleeding heart liberal to me. He's probably the type of guy who'd vote for Obama."

"We don't need to turn the other cheek. And love your enemy? What a way to fight a war on terror! I want to nuke the enemy back to the Stone Age. Love the enemy? I want to build a wall to keep them out, and make them pay for it!"

Some in the audience were shocked at this attack, but Trump held strong to his position, explaining, "I want you know I've always been a religious man. I like religion, I know a lot about it. I have a deep personal relationship with, you know, whatever."

Trump showed himself to still be a birther. Having raised doubts about the birth origins of Ted Cruz and Barack Obama, he is now raising questions about Jesus Christ. "I know the Bible well. Everyone knows the Messiah must be the son of David. He has to be born in Bethlehem. It says it somewhere in Genesis 2, anyway it's in Genesis. But the Gospels give two genealogies and they don't agree with each other. There's a big story in Luke about how the family had to go to Bethlehem for a big Roman census, when the historical record shows there was no such census in that time. It all sounds fishy to me. It all sounds like some big cover-up. If he was really born in a manger I want to see the proof. Where are his papers? If you ask me he's no son of David."

Trump ended his speech with a humble proposal that he be appointed Messiah in place of Jesus. "I know plenty of Jews. I dine with some of the world's most prominent Jews. I used to know Malcolm Forbes well. Wasn't he a Jew? I dunno. And Warren Buffet. I don't know if he's Jewish, but he's definitely rich. And you know what? They all like me better than Jesus. That's why I'd like to offer myself as King of the Jews."

"Jesus, he calls himself a carpenter. I've got to tell you, I've built a lot of buildings. I know how to build things. I don't see many buildings built by Jesus. I've got hotels all over the place. Jesus, where's his hotels? He can't even build a kingdom on earth. I can."

Surprisingly, only a few in the audience showed offense at the candidate's words. A typical comment went,"Sure, he attacked Jesus, but that's just how he is. He speaks his mind. That's the kind of candidate."

Some pundits are already suggesting that Trump may choose Sarah Palin as his vice-Messiah.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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