BILLINGSGATE POST: Several months after declaring that he would build a semi-permeable wall on the Mexican border that Mexico will gladly pay for, the mercurial Donald Trump announced that he has changed his mind. Instead of a fence, which critics say could be tunneled under and scaled over, he told adoring Iowa hayshakers that he will build a 1500 mile canal from Brownsville, Texas to San Diego that will make the Panama Canal look like a lap pool.
Reminding voters that in 1977, President Jimmy Carter turned control over the Panama Canal to Panama for "peanuts," beginning in 2000. In a deal which he said was "so bad, it's suspicious," because it was later discovered that Panama had agreed to buy all of Carter's peanuts at an above market-price for the next twenty years, Trump argued that this agreement was similar to President Obama's deal with Iran as far as getting nothing in return.
The 51 mile Panama Canal was completed in 1914. After 10 years of delays and many lives lost due to malaria and accidents, the link connecting the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans was finally opened. Before this, ships had to go around Cape Horn to complete their voyages at much risk of life and cargo.
"This is at the very least, a multi-pronged winner. Besides providing a vital shipping channel that we can control, it will provides hundreds of thousands of American jobs, secure our Southern border against rapists, terrorists and drug dealers of all ilk and color; but best of all, allow the Border Patrol to be replaced by under-employed hungry alligators from Florida's golf courses, who I will have deputized as Federal Marshals to patrol the moat."
Trump continues: "As much as I cherish the brave women who cross our borders everyday to have their babies in America, alligators have to be fed too. You can't expect those hungry bastards to work for scraps."
"And to those of you who laughed about my fence, who said that it could be tunneled under and scaled; have you ever gone nose to nose with a great big, scaly alligator with green fungus growing between its teeth and breath so bad you wanted to faint? And yes, the Mexican Government will pay for all this. I promise."