Written by Lyndsay West

Friday, 15 January 2016

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump finds it very problematic that fellow candidate Ted Cruz is from Canada. Trump states that during breaks in the debate, Cruz surreptitiously drinks maple syrup from a flask stickered with Canadian flags.

He explains, "Cruz is clearly reliant on the syrup to engage in public speaking. Considering the future president will be forced into several of those gigs, I'm worried that American tax dollars will be steered towards his syrup dependency rather than something financially savvy like the Great Wall."

Other conservative candidates echo Trump's sentiments.

Jeb Bush exclusively tells us that while he was practicing his soft smile in the bathroom at a "No, People Kill People" party, Cruz barged in, weak-kneed from a syrup sugar high. Bush's family is known for their God-given powers and Jesus has personally vouched for the family in the past. Bush prophesizes, "I envision an apocalyptic future where Cruz replaces all of the good bacon with Canadian bacon." Ben Carson fell asleep as we questioned him on the issue.

Carly Fiorina has yet to comment on whether Cruz's syrup addiction turns her on, although we are certain that no matter her opinion on Cruz, we will frame her as too promiscuous and incapable of leading the country.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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