WASHINGTON, D.C. - Darth Money, representing the newly-formed GOP (Grand Old Plutocrats), has announced his candidacy for President of the United Empire.
Funded largely through 501 non-profits and similar organizations, Darth Money is running on a platform that includes the continuing denial of global warming, the propagating of the use of fossil fuels in the Empire's and world's economies, the expansion of gun ownership for every man, woman, child, and fetus in the United Empire, the suppression of voting rights for people of color, the decimation of the safety net for citizens of the Empire, and the establishment of Ayn Rand as the official mascot for the United Empire.
Said Darth Money, breathing heavily behind the dark helmet he wears to cover his orange face (the result of ingesting hydroxychloroquine), "My plan to take over the United Empire will soon be implemented. Do not underestimate the technological advances we have made in the twenty-first century! The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of fossil fuels to spur the United Empire's economy. I find the lack of faith in fossil fuels and free market principles by the rebel environmentalists in this Empire disturbing."
At this late date, Darth Money is not sure that he can get enough votes legitimately through the democratic process of voting. If that turns out to be the case, he plans to privatize the United Empire postal system, shutter all mailboxes in the Empire, and restrict post office hours to one day a week, between midnight and two in the morning, on Sundays.
