The Coast Guard was called to Redondo Beach beach earlier this day by several anonymous callers stating there is a "thing" on the beach that looks like Donald Trump.
Ensign Paul Klondike told this reporter that the Coast Guard arrived at the beach within 15 minutes of being called and found a mysterious object laying on the beach near the water.
"It was laying there," the Ensign said, "just heavily breathing. It did look like Donald Trump."
Children were gathered around him, throwing sand at him, and sticking out their tongue.
"We tried to resuscitate him, and were able to remove about twelve gallons of water."
A few children and some adults kicked him a few times.
"The blob finally began sputtering and in between said some words."
"Well," I asked, "what were they."
"Oh, nothing too intelligent. I mean you know the guy."
"He was out on his yacht, 'Echo-cardiogram,' and decided to see if any immigrants were using submarines or other underwater devices to infiltrate the United States."
"Wow," I said, "that's pretty strange."
"He said that he was a hands-on man, and needed to find out for himself."
"Really!" I said.
"Yes. And he did observe an underground swimmer in a burka. Now he wants to build a wall at the bottom of the ocean."
December 22, 2015
Redondo Beach Currier
Reported by Ulysses S. Grunsky