BILLINGSGATE POST: In an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters, Donald Trump tastefully explained that the reason he wants Jeb Bush to move to the far end of the line has nothing to do with his feeble ratings; it is because Bush is constantly squeezing off unfiltered, eye-rolling popcorn farts during the debates.
George Will, who Trump claims wears his dainty Lord Fauntleroy glasses to appear intelligent, has wondered out loud why the Trumpster is so docile during the debates. When asked about this by Barbara Walters, the Donald explained that Jeb's popcorn farts are giving him brain freeze.
"I would rather arm wrestle Hillary Clinton nose-to-nose than have that grinning bastard squeezing off farts next to me," Trump told the bemused Walters, who has been known to blow a little gas during her interviews.
"Would you allow that this is an intentional distraction?" Ms. Walters queried through lips puckered by years of sucking on persimmons and vowels.
"Have you ever read my recent New York Times bestseller, The Art Of The Deal?"
Walters: "No, sweet lips, I haven't."
"I devote one whole chapter to this subject, explaining how farts can change the complete atmosphere of a closed-in conference room. The same goes for these debates. I am not up there grimacing because of something Bush said. I'm being whip-sawed by his relentless farts. How I keep my senses only defines how truly amazing my sensory faculties are."
Walters: "If only I were 70 again."