Tonight, Donald Trump, Republican candidate for president, addressed the members of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology student body.
Falling far behind in the race for the presidency, because as Mr. Trump put it, "The public thinks I'm outlandish," he has come to this august institution to try to resurrect his creditability.
"I," he said as he looked out at the body of jam-packed students, "want you to know that I did all right in Calculus and Physics. This may surprise you, but I was thinking of becoming a mathematician."
The crowd murmured and some cackled in disbelief.
Mr. Trump pushed aside a clump of blonde hair that had fallen on his face. "I thought you wouldn't believe me so I brought along my report card. I'm going to pass it out. Pay attention to the bottom where it's checked: 'Is not a Muslim'."
This last comment did not assuage the group.
"All right," he said. "I brought along my thesis. You see I'm skeptical by nature, and I take positions that are very different from most people. Some people call it outlandish, but I call it imaginative, far-reaching."
He then raised his thesis in the air, and pointed to the title: "ONE PLUS ONE IS THREE." Other than the heading, the thesis of 46 pages was blank.
"You can see I had this great idea when I was only 24. I wasn't going to do what made sense. I created lots of interest in my school and was invited to speak at the graduation. I told them I was too busy making money to finish some dumb thesis!"
December 20, 2015
Little Castel, Massachusetts
M.I.T. Weekly Standard
Reported by Clarence Hobnick