Capitol Hill - Lawmakers are launching a new strategy to fight the ISIS threat, creating the nation's first Homeboy Security Gang.
The street-level enforcement group will include every American citizen, except for those who are already in prison.
The gang is projected to grow to a force of over 150 million homeboys, funded at a cost of $1.1 trillion. "You've got to spend money to make trouble," Sen. Ted Cruz explained. "There is no free lunch for instigators and agitators, although they can get half off the buffet at Arby's."
Joining the Homeboy Security Gang, which is a third cousin to the TSA and a distant uncle to the Mafia, is easy as buying a lottery ticket. In fact, any American who buys a lottery ticket is in.
Every new recruit will be issued a Kombat Kit. It contains a military surplus M-16 rifle, a secret decoder ring, and a self-addressed, stamped body bag.
"I can hardly wait to try the decoder ring," said Sen. Lindsey Graham, who cosponsored the gang's appropriation. "Look, I can decode my name. Who needs those fancy encryption schemes? Intelligence is no substitute for stupidity."
Sen. John McCain (R-Alzheimer's) explained that the new fighting force will never be deployed as boots on the ground. "They have to wear their own shoes," he said. "That helps us identify the body. A technicality, but it will keep me out of war crimes court."
New York City Police Commissioner William Bratton has been named to head the homeboy security gang. Asked how he's going to deploy his new urban army, Bratton said he's holding off planning until he hears from his new boss.
"You mean the American people?" one reporter ventured.
"No. I'm thinking Donald Trump."