NRA President Wayne Lapierre Sends Thoughts and Prayers to the Families of Future Victims of America's Next Mass Shooting

Funny story written by David E. Wesley

Thursday, 30 July 2015

image for NRA President Wayne Lapierre Sends Thoughts and Prayers to the Families of Future Victims of America's Next Mass Shooting

NRA President Wayne Lapierre held a press conference in Wiltchester, Texas today sending thoughts and prayers to the unknown family members who will tragically lose somebody to America's raging gun violence problem.

"We don't know who they are yet, but we will know soon. It's only a matter of time, maybe a week from now or less that a mentally ill madman will open fire in a park, movie theater, or school, killing or critically injuring dozens of people. I might as well just record my press conference today and upload it to YouTube. It will come in handy to family members of new gun violence victims for years to come and I won't have to constantly repeat myself. It will free up more of my time so I can lobby against stricter gun control policies.

Lapierre was overheard by a New York Times journalist that he just wanted to "get it over with" and suggested the YouTube video to avoid having to give more phony press conferences where he'd be forced to defend his egomaniacal, self-righteous position against gun control.

So many gun-toting rednecks in red states love me. They love that I call some of them up randomly and sing the 2nd amendment to them. When I see the words "The Right to Bear Arms," I feel like masturbating in the bathroom and blowing a load on my hands.

I'm not about to sacrifice my popularity with gun enthusiasts just because some nut job sprays bullets into a family of five at a movie theater with a semi-automatic machine gun. You remember my quote after the Sandy Hook Massacre, "the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun." Well, the good guys could never become mentally unstable, even after they lose all their cash in the stock market, their wives cheat on them and their kids hate them for no reason. I love America and its gun policies. They are here to stay.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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