Texas Legislature Poised to Pass Open-Viper Law

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Sunday, 26 April 2015

image for Texas Legislature Poised to Pass Open-Viper Law
A Large Caliber Viper, Unholstered

AUSTIN, TX-The Republican-controlled Texas legislature is poised to pass an historic Open-Viper Law over the next two weeks. The Open Viper Law, the first of its kind in the nation, would allow Texas citizens to openly carry venomous snakes in the Lone Star state for their protection.

"The Law is called 'Open-Viper,'" explained herpetologist and Open-Viper advocate Sam McFee, "because most of the poisonous snakes in Texas, like the rest of the United States, are Pit Vipers, of the family Viperidae, which includes rattlesnakes, water moccasins, and copperheads. However," explained McFee, "also included in the law are coral snakes, of the family Elapidae, for those Texans who prefer that snake as a form of protection. The family Elapidae also includes cobras, but we decided to restrict the Open -Viper Law to venomous snakes native to Texas, to protect the ecosystem."

"Of course," explained Speaker of the House Rep. Joe Straus, "we expect these snakes to be properly holstered, and the law would not preempt the Concealed Carry Law already in place in many parts of Texas. So if a woman wants to carry a Pygmy Rattlesnake in her purse for protection, she still has that right as a citizen of Texas."

When Dwayne LaVipierre, CEO of the NRA, or National Reptile Ass., was asked by a reporter from the Austin Chronicle to comment on the Open-Viper Law, he said, "Venomous snakes don't kill people, people do." But Mark Kelly, husband of Gabby Giffords and co-founder of the snake control lobbying group Americans for Responsible Solutions, tweeted in response to LaVipierre's statement, "Venomous snakes don't kill people. Dumbass Texans with venomous snakes kill people."

The Texas legislature is expected to pass the Open-Viper Law within the next two weeks, with an overwhelming majority, because this is, after all, Texas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more