New Gun Lover Utopia Opening Now

Funny story written by Happy Hen

Tuesday, 23 June 2015


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Another mass shooting happened minutes ago in one of our lovely 50 states and people are reeling; grieving for the victims and calling for stricter gun rules.

Your first reaction is to run to your guns and sit on the safe like a paranoid, broody hen-pecking at the mere thought of anyone taking away your collection. You sing lullabies to your AR-15, kiss your Glock G40 goodnight and polish up your Uzi Pro before tucking them all in at night. But they are always close to you and always more important than the victims.

After your volatile babies are resting in your safe or stuffed down your pants, you know your night has just begun. In the hours after a shooting you are going to be busy. You log onto Facebook and get ready for a war with words protecting your second amendment at all costs. You propose arming more people so they can out-shoot the shooters in the future. "Concealed and Carry" is your mantra. Plastered all over your Facebook timeline are studies that show how gun violence is decreasing and butter knives can be just as dangerous.

Well lover of guns, have I got a deal for you! I am putting together a place for people like you. It's big-not Alaska Big, but big enough. Let's call it Tex-Ass. There will be no gun regulations and you will be encouraged to arm up as much as possible. You will be allowed to carry your guns anywhere you damn well please in Tex-Ass. If anyone pulls a gun on you, steals your shit or cuts you off in traffic, we encourage you to lock and load. No argument is too small for your handgun to be present. Escalate the situation as much as you please.

The infrastructure is already in place in Tex-Ass, so the transition will be seamless. Many people just like you already live there. For your convenience, FOX News will be the only media outlet in your new utopia to cater to your already firmly held viewpoints. It will be piped in and ready for your paranoia. They will create stories out of thin air and rile you up in fear and anger to be ready to take on your next opponent.

We will build a giant bullet-proof wall around your lovely state because we know how much you love walls and borders. They make you feel safe. You can hen up and guard your state with a 24 hour volunteer border patrol.

Your government will be called the N.R.A. and Tex-Ass will proudly fly the Confederate flag with a giant bullseye in the middle. You don't even need to hold an election-we will just transfer half of the U.S. Congress to you. We will pay for their one-way ticket and pack their bags. They have years of prior work experience in Washington D.C. dry-humping the NRA's lobbying leg whenever gun control legislation is introduced or before an election. They know the second Amendment is the only amendment that matters and your new constitution will reflect that. Who needs 27 Amendments when you only need your god given right to bear arms?

People who live there now swear it is the best place on earth and we heartily agree that dry flat landscape beats out pristine mountains, lush forests and a desire for peace any day of the week.

As a bonus, we will voluntarily take anyone in Tex-Ass now who prefers a life without semi-automatics to ensure everyone agrees with you 100 percent of time. Fox News will help keep things spicy by making you paranoid of us outside of Tex-Ass-but not to worry we have so little desire to enter your utopia that we will require you to have a green card and leave your handguns and assault rifles behind to visit the remaining 49 states that make up America.

Oh and if you outgrow your boundaries, we'll throw in Oklahoma too.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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