BILLINGSGATE POST: Negotiations between ISIS and Wile E. Coyote broke down yesterday after ISIS offered Wile E. their standard, blue-plate 72 Virgin Road Runner Special if he would join their terrorist group.
Unlike General McAuliffe, who responded to a German surrender ultimatum during World War II's Battle of the Bulge by saying, "Nuts!" to the Germans, Wile E Coyote responded with a question:
"Virgins my ass! What the f..k would I do with 72 of those BEEP-BEEPING! pieces of s..t?" Obviously pissed that ISIS had the nerve to try to bribe him, Coyote went on:
"As you well know, I am a natural athlete. Unlike ISIS, I don't have to train or ask for help when I embark on my Road Runner operations. Rhetorically speaking, have you ever seen a regulation, type A coyote do stretching exercises to loosen up before he chases a jack-rabbit? He would starve to death!"
"Anyway, I have an air-tight contract with ACME Corporation that goes back 30 years. Even though those bastards supply me with technically obsolete equipment that breaks down 100% of the time; a deal is a deal."
NOTE: This story is not to be confused with a similar story released by Al Jazeera yesterday that stated that Wile E. Coyote couldn't wait to have simultaneous sex with 72 Road Runners, described by ISIS as "certified" virgins.
