Livingston, NJ - On Tuesday, infamous New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, finally announced to America that he will indeed be running for the highest office in the land - and he did it underneath the football goal that was once the site of the biggest atomic wedgie of his entire life!
Standing under the gleaming white metal poles that he once swung from by his Triple X Fruit Of The Looms, Christie told the crowd, numbering at least two dozen in attendance (mostly summer school students that had failed math and were forced to go outside) that he decided to announce his candidacy in this very place, to show that Americans can confront their darkest fears and overcome any obstacle. "I remember that day like it was yesterday," told Christie, with a well placed tear in his eye. "I remember thinking, with my ass bleeding, that I might not ever get out of this situation - much like the infamous bridge-gate scandal that my enemies have tried to pin on me. But look, I did get down from this football pole - and I have managed to scallywag my way out from underneath the Ft. Lee Traffic Jam debacle as well. And I did it all while wearing the very same pair of patched-up underwear, too. I'm actually wearing them today!"
Later, after the speech, Christie took the fizzling crowd of sluggish teenagers on a personal tour of some of the other places around his old high school that have haunted his dreams since his time there. "This is my old locker, number 453," he told them. "I spent a lot of time contemplating my future, while being stuffed upside down in there."
Then, it was on to the cafeteria. "Right over there, I remember being the target of a giant game of 'keep away', where about fifteen kids all threw my meatball sandwich around until I went and got the principal to get them to give it back to me. Needless to say, it was barely edible. But I persevered that day too... and ate that soggy, messy footlong sandwich, vowing right at that table over there in the far corner, to be the Governor of this great state. And those fifteen kids are all still in jail today! So I won, again."
After the sandwich story, Christie got a crazy attack of PTSD, when he saw one of the pimply-faced kids in the crowd eating a footlong sandwich from Subway. "Are you mocking me?" Christie demanded of the skinny boy. "You think you're sooo funny - eating that goddamn footlong in front of me? Gimme that thing you little punk! I've taken shits bigger than you. I want your name and address and the names of all your family members - living and dead. And give me that goddamn delicious looking sandwich, right now!" He demanded. "You're about to find out all about anal rape at the local jail, son!"
The Governor's bizarre candidacy announcement ended in much the same way it had started, back out at the football goal post, where his secret service goons hoisted the scared and crying boy up to the top of the pole and hung him by his underwear. With the waistband of his gotchies ripping at its seams, the screaming teenager cried into the television cameras, "Mom, Dad, Aunt Jackie - run for your fuckin' lives. Christie and his goons are coming after you!"
As the rest of the kids ran in every direction, Christie and his men could be seen smashing those TV cameras into a million pieces.
"Please go out and vote for Christie!" Christie's nervous looking Campaign Manager was heard calling out through a megaphone, as everybody ran away as fast as they possibly could!
