Pessimistic Beverage Packaging Company Begins Manufacturing Aluminum "Can'ts"

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 27 June 2015

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According to some, the aluminum can't represents a powerful commentary on modern-day society - the long-overdue end of hope.

No longer willing to ignore the stark reality of environmental degradation, global poverty, and deteriorating human health, pessimistic beverage packing company Canned Dreams, Inc., recently announced the launch of a new product line, known as the aluminum "can't."

The aluminum can't was first conceived by Canned Dreams CEO David Bellozo, who explained that, over the course of his highly successful career in beverage packaging, he became increasingly skeptical that the fizzy, sugary and/or alcoholic liquids encased in Canned Dream cans would actually improve the lot of the average drinker.

According to Bellozo, his company was founded on the premise that each precisely manufactured aluminum cylinder represented a twelve-ounce dream, on the very brink of coming true. Unfortunately, however, he found that that vision did not hold true. Ultimately, the beverage packaging magnate reached the unavoidable conclusion that the carbonated soft drinks and alcoholic beverages his company packaged and sold were unlikely to improve people's capacity to accomplish much of anything.

"Except becoming a couch potato, that is!" he quipped darkly.

For that reason, stated the CEO, the term aluminum "can" began seeming increasingly inapt. "I couldn't keep lying to customers about the likely impact of consuming the contents of the twelve-ounce aluminum cylinders we produce. These CSDs and ABs are the polar opposite of a can-do - more like a can't-do!"

And it was that realization that sparked the aluminum can't.

Many pundits claim that the revolutionary new aluminum can't represents a powerful commentary on modern-day society.

Award-winning journalist and social critic Chris Hedges opined, "It's about acknowledging the abiding failure of the human race. In short, it's about the end of hope. Long overdue, I would say."

Aside from the prospects for the human race, what does the future hold for the aluminum can't? From a marketability perspective, is its future as bright and shiny as its glimmering metallic veneer would seem to suggest?

Bellozo shook his head regretfully at the question. "Things aren't looking too good," he admitted. "But then again, I didn't expect very much."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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