Written by Stevey G.

Friday, 24 April 2015

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image for Man deemed too fat to wank gets relief from NHS
Bernard Buttspike-Twice the weight of the average Porker

Bernard Buttspike, 44, is arguably the UK's fattest man at a gut-busting 71 stone.

Bernard, who has never had a job and who is estimated to have received over half a million pounds in benefits over the last 25 years, has long claimed that he is 'too fat to wank.'

'I would love to be like 'normal' people,' he said today. 'I haven't seen 'downstairs' for 15 years and the fact that I cannot have a wank when I want to, has contributed to me being the size that I am today.'

Bernard claims that his sexual frustration has led to a downward spiral of binge-eating which has resulted in his record-busting weight.

The NHS have been forced to step in to help after Bernard's case was taken up by Compo4U,a legal firm specialising in human rights.

'We are happy to have been of assistance to Bernard in this matter', a spokesman for Compo4U reported earlier today.

'Masturbation is a fundamental human right, and if the individual is incapable of performing this basic function, then it is the responsibility of the State or Government to step in.'

Bernard has been subjected to initial intensive treatment on the NHS every two days at an estimated cost to the tax-payer of £500 per session. It is hoped that the level of treatment might be reduced to weekly sessions in the near future.

Many have raised the question as to why Bernard's wife Beryl, 42, could not have performed the deed for her husband.

'What!' she replied to our reporter 'Have you seen the ugly, fat bastard?'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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