Amid a whirlwind of allegations against FIFA, the world football authority, its Secretary-General received a rare piece of good news. In a private ceremony held earlier today, Sepp Blatter was awarded the 2015 Nobel Prize for Obliviousness.
The award follows the speech made by Blatter at FIFA's congress in Zurich today. In his address, Blatter maintained that he had no involvement in the actions which led to the arrest of nine FIFA officials on Wednesday. Moreover, Blatter claims to have had no knowledge of the supposed wrongdoing of high-ranking FIFA officials.
"What really drew the Committee's attention was Mr Blatter's extraordinary ability to ignore what was staring him in the face," Nobel Committee spokesman Jeffrey Warner stated. "The whole world seems to have been aware of the objectionable behavior of FIFA and its officials, and yet the oragnization's head apparently had no idea. This makes Mr Blatter an outstanding candidate for our award."
Previous winners of the award include Hillary Clinton, Prince Charles and Alex Rodriguez, who was recognized in 2012 for "Contributions to Obliviousness".
Mr Blatter was unavailable for comment. He is believed to have been celebrating by drinking the tears of Nepalese children.