Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 7 May 2015

image for Hull Housewives Getting Jittery Over Tigers' Relegation Tussle

The end of yet another English Premier League season is upon us, and even though the title race has been decided, there are still relegation issues to be settled. In amongst these are Hull City, whose fans, although still believing in their team's ability to climb out of its current predicament, are starting to buckle under the immense weight of a number of, quite frankly, housewifely superstitions.

City are one place and one point above Sunderland in the table, the possible future permutations being too complex to go into in great detail here. Suffice to say, however, that if the Tigers beat Burnley on Saturday, and the Black Cats fail to beat Everton, then the latter would have to beat either Arsenal at Highbury or Chelsea at Stamford Bridge to even have a chance of staying in the Premier League.

No chance, right?

Well, hold on a minute.

The housewives of Hull have been getting a little jittery under their collars about City's survival. Hundreds have been interviewed, many of whom seemed to have their nerves 'in tatters'.

One, Norma Loddball, whose husband actually is a tatter, said:

"I was sittin mekkin pegs, and I fort 'If I mek more red pegs than white pegs, City will go down'. When ad finished, ad med 68 red and 59 white. Wivfukinadit!"

Freda Eggbreath, 86, told her own tale of superstitious woe:

"I was walking to Aldi, and I realised that if I took an even number of steps, we'd stay up, but if I took an odd number of steps, we'd go down. I counted 16,489 - it's over!"

Raj Dupp, a staunch City fan who came to live in Hull as a little girl with her Indian parents when she was just four days old - never a good time to travel - said:

"I come from Lucknow, and I firmly believe that the Tigers will have no luck."

Tracey Stagnent, 13, and married with two children, said:

"Ah picked flowers all day, and plucked all the petals off, sayin 'He relegates us, he relegates us not'. He relegates us. Me usband sez am daft."

But not everyone is so pessimistic. Gloria Battler claimed to have had a dream in which she was told that even if Hull lose to Burnley, they will stay up - and that she will win the National Lottery next Saturday, if the draw is made using Lancelot and set of balls number six.

Gloria, 58, laughed:

"Iz fukkin luvly that Stevie Bruce, innee?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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