Written by Paul Blake

Thursday, 21 May 2015

image for The End Of Hipsters?
Hipsterism types its farewell letter. (on old vintage typewriter, of course.)

San Francisco, CA - It has been a good, long ride for the waxed mustache set, but it appears that there might be moth holes in the secondhand fabric that is keeping this trend together. We talked to a well-pierced waxy named "Scat-Cat," who claimed to be one of the original Hipsters in the City by the Bay, (although everyone does) who thought the end of this silly trend was surely near. "Almost everyone I know has snapped their achilles tendon, trying to ride one of these one-gear bicycles up the steep hills in this city. That's when I realized what a ridiculous trend this was that we were all trying so hard to ride. Now I finally realize, it's not about looking cool, it's about getting yourself to work on time while riding a bicycle! I feel like an idiot," told Scat-Cat, icing the back of his ankle, while downing Vicodens like he was going to a Lumineer's concert.

Yet others have felt the anguish of trying to stick to a strict hipster lifestyle as well. "My entire apartment, all 300 square feet of it, was infested by fire ants that I accidentally brought home on an ironic cowboy sweater from a thrift store on Haight Street," said Victoria Stallings, who'd already jettisoned her stupid nickname and given away her trademark parasol umbrella. "I paid two dollars for that sweater... my legs are rubber from my dumb one-speed bike. It took me all day to get home - and my goddamn toe-piercings are killing me!"

Still, other waning hipster-folk tell of getting their over-sized beards caught in the escalator, or of injuries suffered from wearing kitschy eye-glasses, worn with the wrong prescription. "I have 20/20 vision for crying-out-loud, but I rode my uni-bike right into the side of a streetcar!" told 'Patch' Stevens, who we found smashing his funky old eye-wear with an antique iron that he uses for a doorstop. "These dumb glasses also made me buy a whole stack of vintage records that were barely even bad enough to be called 'hipster.' I couldn't read any of the jacket covers and ended up with a shitload of Andy Williams vinyl."

Yes, it sure does seem to this reporter, like Hipsterism may have just 'jumped the shark,' (which your average one-speed Hipster would still never admit to, unless that shark is some cool old version of a shark that you just can't find anymore, and in order to jump it, you get to coast your bike down hill a bit first.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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