Written by StubbornGorilla

Tuesday, 5 May 2015

image for ISIS claims responsibility for your spilled milk this morning
"Today milk, tomorrow, maybe coffee and orange juice too!"

Militant Islamist group, ISIS released a statement this morning claiming responsibility for acts that will certainly interrupt your daily routine.

"We will strike you when you least expect it, when you are most vulnerable, when you are still rubbing those little crusties out of your putrid devil eyes. The breakfast table is our new battlefield!"

ISIS went on to explain that they are 100% responsible for every glass of milk that is spilled each morning, "You think it's your mongrel spawn, but it is us. No glass of milk is safe!"

They ended with one final threat to disrupt breakfast around the world, "By the time we are through you will have to lap your milk off the floor like the infidel dogs that you are!"

Recently, ISIS made similar claims taking responsibility for other minor inconveniences aimed at stripping every home of the sense of safety and security it provides. Some examples include batteries going dead in flashlights just as the power is knocked out, stealing rolls of toilet paper when you're almost out, and taking tubes of toothpaste out of the garbage and putting them back in the medicine cabinet so you struggle to squeeze that last little bit out even though the tube is clearly empty already.

Lou Stubbs, a recent "milk spill attack" victim was asked how the invasion of his breakfast table made him feel, "To be honest, I think I spilled the milk myself."

Asked why he wasn't more terrified of ISIS's claims Stubbs elaborated, "If ISIS could really get into my house I think they'd try to do more than just ruin my breakfast."

The undeterred terror group has vowed to ruin as many breakfasts as it can, and have made veiled threats to other meals of the day, "Next time your meatloaf is burned you will squirm in fear by the possibility that it was us."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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