Flagstaff, Arizona - The Northern Arizona town of Flagstaff, near The Grand Canyon, has been selected as one of the test cities for Amazon Inc.'s new drone delivery service. And it didn't take long for man's flying bird to go toe-to-toe with Mother Nature's version.
"I seen it swoop down outta that fir tree over there, and attack the livin' shit outta my package!" said Norma Claycroft, who had embarrassingly ordered a pair of Extra-Large Spanx with added cross-stitching in the bare-nude color, which were found the next day, hanging in a nearby tree, by a team of Amazon Investigators. "Turns out, I woulda had to return them anyhow - wouldn't cha know it? They were the wrong dang size!" told Norma.
The ripped-up "No-Jiggle" panties were the least of Sheriff Dick Drizzle's concerns though, more interested in her husband's illegal 30 pack of 38mm Riffle bullets that the bloodied Eagle had also made off with and were still unaccounted for. "To be damned with Norma's dang giant-panties, I got Eagles dropping bullets on our heads!" said an impatient Sheriff Drizzle.
And in rare agreement with the police, regional environmentalists have posted to FaceBook that this is yet another case of man overstepping his boundaries with Mother Nature, and can ensure that many of America's most-treasured winged creatures are in great peril. We caught up with Soring Starky, a big-time bird-watcher in these parts, and a major stoner, to boot. She had this to say: " I think them big companies went out and chose Flagstaff, 'cause they knew it would bring the big birds outta the sky. Them corporate pigs wanted to see what was going to happen, in order to make 'improvements' on their dang whirly-bird machines!"
Ms. Starky heads a very loose band of rag-tag naturalists that fully believe in the conspiracy theory, that this was Amazon's plan all along, and sacrificing a few Eagles or Condors was just another money-loosing step on the path to riches in the new America. "If you ask me, Mother Nature just gave you the dang answer right there-" added a cryptic Starky, pointing out into the yonder with blurry red eyes.
[iYou mean, get the Eagles to deliver the packages for us? we wondered.
"Dang right!" shouted the bird lady, (who had to be reminded of what we were talking about.) "I betcha Big Dave, up on Snakebite Mountain could get those damn Eagles to deliver Norma's Triple X panties if he wanted to," said Starky, who then disappeared into the bushes (and a cloud of blue smoke.)
"God dang it!" cried Norma, from the burned out patch on her front lawn left by the drone, "They weren't Triple X's! They's were just Double's. And I ain't payin' no return shippin'!"
Late news update - Amazon inc. released in a statement, regarding these latest "bird-fishing" allegations, that it regretted any incident where upon one of America's most treasured creatures was harmed while delivering super-big panties (and bullets.) And that Amazon would gladly try its hardest to air-drop a free package of gauze bandages and Neosporin into the nest of any injured Eagles, free of charge to the U.S. Federal Government.