Obama Seeks Balance by Displaying Nobel Peace Prize Alongside Kill List

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

image for Obama Seeks Balance by Displaying Nobel Peace Prize Alongside Kill List
"I'm good enough, I'm peaceful enough, and I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize," a morally conflicted Obama affirmed to himself.

A recently leaked National Security Agency recording of a therapy session between President Barack Obama and his personal therapist revealed that Obama, in an effort to achieve mental and emotional balance, has decided to display the Nobel Peace Prize he was awarded in 2009 alongside the "kill list" he uses to identify individuals targeted for secret assassination by the U.S. government.

In the NSA recording of a January 2015 therapy session, Obama can be heard admitting, "I kind of bad about the kill list. I think it might be wrong. In fact, sometimes I think it might not even be constitutional."

By many accounts, Obama's high-stress, time-intensive role as president of the United States has been taking a toll on the Commander in Chief. One unverified source reported that a downtrodden Obama had "accidentally" placed himself on his own kill list. But regardless of the truth of rumors of Obama's suicidal propensities, the NSA recording makes clear that Obama has been feeling morally conflicted about his job.

In the NSA-recorded session, Obama goes so far as to state, "I'm not sure I even deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. Maybe I should give it back, like those former Peace Prize winners keep asking me to do."

At that point in the session, his therapist interjects. "Barack, we've discussed this chronic pattern of self-deprecation of yours. Repeat after me: I'm good enough, I'm peaceful enough, and I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize."

At his therapist's urging, a reluctant Obama repeats the words. And again. And again. By the final round of affirmations, the president's tone is markedly more confident; it's apparent that he's coming to believe what he's saying.

Near the end of the session, Obama's therapist alludes to the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui. "It could be very powerful for you, Barack, to display your Nobel Peace Price alongside your kill list. It will help you restore your mental and emotional balance, and it will remind you that you're a multi-faceted, complex man. You don't have to be any one thing."

The remark is followed by an extended silence from Obama, while he presumably ponders this suggestion.

Finally, Obama replies, "Wow. That's just the reminder I needed. Thank you for that."

He adds, the fire evident in his tone, "And I'm keeping that damned Peace Prize."

"Right on, Barack," says his therapist. "Right on."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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