Head Of Secret Service Doesn't Get Firing

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Thursday, 2 October 2014

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President Obama today fired Julia Peterson, head of the beleaguered Secret Service. Her strange testimony yesterday before congressional lawmakers was, no doubt, one of the reasons.

When Chairman Issa asked her to explain why a deranged man carrying a knife could enter into the White House and make a sandwich before being tackled by the resident chef she responded in an oblique manner.

"Well, there are known knowns, there are known unknowns, unknown unknowns and unknown known's," said the then chief of the Secret Service.

When she was asked why the Secret Service covered up the fact that the knife-carrying intruder could go so far into the White House she also gave an enigmatic answer.

"We're going to stay the course and I'm listening to my commanders on the ground. We need to put the knife man incident behind us. Let the healing begin, said Peterson."

When Ms. Peterson was told that "there seems to be a kind of 'frat boy' atmosphere in the Secret Service involving prostitutes in the recent past and now a 'laid back' posture of indifference," she said "All bureaucratic institutions are bungling and dysfunctional. So what's the problem congressman Cummings?"

"He responded that Peterson obviously did not know what she was doing.

She retorted, "I'm going to put all I've done in writing, so when the history of the history of the Secret Service is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened during my tenure."

"You're going to be fired soon. I can feel it," said Chairman Issa.

"I have no idea why. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more accountability in the Secret Service - but that could change," said the soon-to-be-let-go head.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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