Masturbation Police May Be Necessary

Written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 29 September 2014


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Joni Ernst, the GOP candidate for the U.S. Senate in Iowa today spoke about the "sanctity of sacred sperm."

"While it is true that a fertilized egg is a person, which is my position that certainly outlaws abortion in the cases of rape or incest, and also bans common forms of birth control, we must not overlook sacred sperm," she said today. Her statement was made in a debate against her Democratic opponent Representative Bruce Braley.

"Without ejaculate there would be no human life on the planet" said Ernst. So, any man who is caught masturbating or any doctor who destroys sperm in efforts to fertilize an egg in a laboratory must suffer severe criminal punishment," said the Senatorial candidate.

Cardinal Baloney of New York, upon hearing of Joni Ernst's position said, "Alleluia, the Holy Ghost has hovered over Ernst and she supports the position of Holy Mother Church."

For his part, her opponent Braley issued a press release asking Ernst to "please continue to elaborate on your arguments. The people of Iowa need to hear more and more details about your positions on life and human sexuality."

He also asked Braley if she advocated the "Formation of a new unit of the Iowa State Police to be called the "Masturbation squad." He said that "it would be a necessity, considering from your position on the sacredness of male sperm."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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