Washington D.C.-Earlier this morning, an internal investigation conducted by the NSA revealed that almost all Senators and Congressmen are disguised lizard-people, causing Americans everywhere to smack themselves in the head, exclaim "Oh, duh!" and breathe a sigh of relief.
"Thank God," said President Obama at a press conference. "All this time I had thought that the deep-seated dysfunction in our government was rooted in an absurd degree of partisanship, an utter refusal to compromise on any issue, no matter how small, and my complete inability to control the vindictive, self-centered toddlers in Congress. Turns out, the lizard-people were intentionally sabotaging the government so that we would be easier to take over when their main fleet reached Earth!"
"Boy," he added, "I sure feel like an idiot for ever imagining that humans would manage to ruin democracy so thoroughly."
Most Americans have dealt with the news that their nation's leaders are actually reptiles with relative ease. "Sure, I was a little surprised at first," said Texas resident David Breen, "but when I really thought about it, I realized I've always known that Ted Cruz (R-SC) was a lizard-person."
"I still voted for him, though," said Breen. "Better to have a Republican lizard-person than a Democrat lizard-person."
The NSA's investigation names all four-hundred-and-thirty-five Congressmen and ninety-eight Senators, with the exception of Mitch McConnell (R-KY), who, to the great satisfaction of Jon Stewart, was revealed as a turtle-person, and Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI), who apparently had no knowledge of the vast extraterrestrial conspiracy that all his peers were part of.
"Well, I knew that Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) had a forked tongue, and once I saw John McCain's (R-AZ) tail when we were in the lil' Senator's room, but I guess I never put two and two together," said Whitehouse. "They all seemed like nice people."
Emergency elections to replace the entire House and Senate will be held as soon as possible, and the government should finally begin to improve, just as hedge funds, the Department of Motor Vehicles, and cable companies did when their lizard-people were removed.
