(Kiev) In a breathtakingly stunning tour-de-force; merging diplomacy, mercantilism, foreign affairs, public health and national defense, today Dick Cheney announced that he has brokered an epic exchange between Liberia and Ukraine.
In a classical application of "making lemonade from lemons," Cheney has arranged for Liberia to transport all of the Ebola ridden corpses littering the streets and alleys of Monrovia to be sent to the Ukrainian border with Crimea. Once unpacked, each African will then be placed into a picket line of catapults spanning the entire frontier border with the rebel stronghold. As a means of discouraging the recent massing of Russian military forces, commencing at zero hour Zulu on August 7th 2014, Ukrainian catapults will hurl their larder at the invaders and their quislings.
Ukrainian General Anatoly Stolichnaya told gathered media, "My only real concern is the lack of Africans available for our national defense." Currently, Liberia has less than half of the Ebola epidemic fatalities available to the Ukrainian artillery. General Stolichnaya also announced a new accord, yet to be finalized with Guinea and Sierra Leone, providing additional "volunteers" to the defense of his nation. "In return, our African allies will receive 20% off coupons for Black Sea Caviar, good for (12) months but non-transferable except to other nations with Ebola outbreaks. We are also in negotiation with the Honorable Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, to begin construction of a massive open air KOA field hospital near Laredo Texas to house the overflow of Ebola patients from the impoverished and depleted nations of Africa." Governor Perry's representatives have anonymously told this reporter they also fully expect to have additional volunteers available to the Ukrainian artillery units, once the MASH unit is receiving Ebola patients. As a bonus, the newest "volunteers" to the Ukrainian conflict are anticipated to be more efficient weapons; weighing at least 30% less than the typical African adult "round," thereby being cheaper to transport to the combat zone and traveling farther than "conventional" weapons upon deployment. Ukraine scientists are also working on "redistributing" soil from the Chernobyl research facility to the Crimean peninsula. The precise details have been classified, but our bureau chief in London has evidence of a massive covert purchase of Aspidistras and clay pots by the Ukraine Armed Services at the Portobello Road marketplace.
Fox News has posted a story on their internet website alleging Dick Cheney's commission on the deal to be a furnished 8,500 sq. ft. Black Sea dacha with (100) acres available for hunting excursions. Governor Perry has simply asked for African assistance in voter registration drives, once he officially announces his candidacy for the US Presidency.
