Third Party Candidates Sweep Republicans and Democrats in Off Year Elections

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Monday, 6 November 2006

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Jesse Johnson: "I'm going to make those Republicans and Democrats walk the plank!"

WASHINGTON (AP) Taking all the political pundits by complete surprise, third party candidates all across the country were swept into office on Tuesday. Democrat and Republican leaders were shocked to learn that neither one of their parties were going to take over the House and the Senate. House speaker Dennis Hastert said, "We were really worried that those left-wing, abortion-loving Democrats were going to unseat us. Who would have ever imagined that a bunch of nobodies would take over the government? I just can't figure it out."

Various exit polls across the country caught a glimpse of the new political reality. Stepping out of her small town's polling place at the fire hall, a waitress in Georgia said, "I don't know what came over me in there... I walked into that voting booth and read all those lists of Democrats and Republicans on the ballot. Why, some of those guys have been in office since before I was born! But then I noticed a candidate with something called the 'Throw the Bums Out Party' and my finger just suddenly had a mind of it's own and voted for him. I still have no idea who the guy was or anything about his politics. All I knew was that I wasn't gonna' vote for any more of those damned Democrats and Republicans."

TV political pundits tried to sort through the huge upset. MSNBC's Chris Matthews exclaimed, "This one will go down in the history books. Here we were wasting all that time on covering what we thought were the big contests --- Jim Webb and George Allen; Bob Corker and Harold Ford, Jr; Joe Lieberman and Ned Lamont -- and every single one of them lost big time! I guess we're all going to have to learn something about these hundreds of new third party Congressmen and Senators."

In West Virginia, a beaming Jesse Johnson thanked the thousands of voters who cast their ballots for his Mountain Party. The new U.S. Senator said, "Many of you can only remember me from my role as a pirate in the movie Hook. I want to assure you that my days of playing pirate are over. I'll be going to Washington to work on universal health care, putting an end to corporate welfare, and bring our troops home. It was all those Democrats and Republicans who were the real pirates all along. Now we're going to make the whole lot of them walk the plank!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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