ANTENORA HELL- Smoke jumpers battled blazes today in hell in an effort to extinguish the fires of damnation. "The purpose," God said was "to give Christians a little relief and to try to create some peace in the world. I've been wanting to do this for years," God told reporters.
Fires in hell have been raging for centuries now ever since man and woman have been making love and poison ivy was discovered in the Garden.
In preparation for their jump, fire fighters had to attend services at an evangelical Christian church, spend a summer in Arizona and go see the Carolina Tarheels play football this year in Kenan Stadium. Holy water was sprayed onto the planes carrying the jumpers to protect them for the mission.
After giving the men a map of hell (Dantes Inferno), God wished the men good luck and said that His prayers were with them. The men wore spiked boots to help them scale the different levels.
Eye witnesses say that the men were attacked by a she-wolf before finding the entrance to hell. Then, a chap named Virgil showed up and offered to take the firefighters down into the pit. Virgil, a Roman poet, was unmistakably certain that he knew the territory better than anyone and that he could get the men where they needed to go.
As they approached the center of hell, several of the men noticed signs saying Radioactive Waste, School of the Americas, and Be All That You Can Be--Join The Army. Behind the warning signs, the men could see the peaks of Mt. Joy in the background which seemed inspire them to move on and mock them simultaneously.
After arriving, fire fighter's made a deal with the devil and gave him his freedom in exchange for some help putting out the fire. They used pick axes to chop the ice around him and to free the ugly monster.
Fire fighter's and Satan worked closely to contain the fire by making a fire line and actually using the fire to melt some of the ice to create flooding. Fire fighters also redirected several of the tributaries from the River Acheron to help the cause.
When asked about their accomplishment, they all said, "that they were glad it was over. And now they could go home and get some rest."