WASHINGTON (AP) After meeting with top U.S. military commanders, President George W. Bush announced that several new tactics would be employed in the war in Iraq:
(1) John Travolta and Kirsti Alley will be immediately dispatched to Iraq in order to convert all the Muslims into Scientologists -- thereby averting an all-out civil war.
(2) All Army and Marine forces will be evacuated from Baghdad and other cities and moved to form a tight perimeter around "Iraqi" oil fields.
(3) Thousands of new Halliburton personnel will be permanently assigned to the oil fields in order to maximize the production of "Iraqi" crude.
(4) Halliburton will also get the contract to build a new 27-foot diameter petroleum pipeline from the Middle East directly to New Jersey.
President Bush said, "I talked this plan over with my military commanders and they think it is OK. Dick Cheney thinks it is absolutely the best plan he ever heard of. Mission accomplished!"