American Corporation Expresses Thanksgiving Gratitude for "Citizens United"

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 25 November 2013


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Corp. Inc. will be marching in this year's Thanksgiving Day Parade, hand in hand with its close pals Macy's and Monsanto.

"Before Citizens United," mused patriotic, all-American (outsourcing aside) corporation Corp. Inc., "I didn't have a great sense of who I really was. I didn't want to be all business, all the time. Now I don't have to be. I'm a person."

A little background: in the 2010 case Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, the U.S. Supreme Court held that political spending is a form of protected speech under the First Amendment, and, as a result, the government may not keep corporations or unions from spending money to support or denounce individual candidates in elections.

In other words, corporations like Corp. Inc. are people, with the full range of constitutional rights enjoyed by individual citizens.

There are, of course, some physical differences. Corp. Inc. - known affectionately to friends and family as "CI" or "Inky" - is the first to admit that it doesn't have a physical human voice. Or, for that matter, a heart. Nevertheless, CI "heartily" enjoys its constitutional right to speak out for various political candidates and causes by contributing money.

"I don't really have a way with words when it comes to talking like human people do, with a human voice," Corp., Inc. explained rather abashedly. "I'm not glib that way. But I do have a way with money. And for me, not being restricted in how I can show my love is huge. For some people, especially on Thanksgiving, food is love. Whereas for me, money is love. I love to make money, and I love to give money. In fact, I love by giving money."

In other words, if CI did have an actual heart, it would be beating out the greenbacks.

Corp. Inc. noted that its latest favorite cause is opposing legislation that seeks to require the labeling of genetically-modified foods.

"It's so not in the spirit of Thanksgiving," CI pointed out with passion. "This is a food holiday, and people should enjoy eating anything and everything, even if it's pure crap. Why in the world would we want a package label that would detract from the pure pleasure people derive from stuffing their faces?

"Who wants to hear that their main course is flesh from birds genetically engineered to have such disproportionately large breasts that they have trouble standing, walking and even mating? I mean, come on! That's just gross. I don't eat, myself, but even if I did, I wouldn't want to eat that - not if I heard all the gory technological details."

For this and countless other reasons, Corp. Inc. urges everyone to take a moment this Thanksgiving to thank God and the Supreme Court for ensuring that CI and others like it will never be silenced when they have something important to say.

"Thank you, Citizens United!" CI summed up joyfully. "My self-esteem took a real hit after the 2003 documentary The Corporation accused me of being a sociopath." (CI has a libel lawsuit pending.) "Now that Citizens United has declared me a person, my confidence is through the roof. I feel like I can take on the world. World, here I come!"

You can tell, as CI expresses its profound gratitude, it would be beaming from ear to ear - if it had ears. Or could smile.

You get the idea...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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